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Be sure to watch Dr. Kanner discuss this topic on Monday, March 3rd @ 8:15a.m. on Fox In The Morning.
Something changed for Kathy once she entered middle school. “It was
almost like a spell was cast over her”, stated her mother, referring to
her newfound interest in boys. Witnessing giggles when talking to her
girlfriends on the phone matched with extensive thought put into
wardrobe choices each and every day, Kathy was indeed changing in her
interpersonal growth. By the middle of the year, Kathy had her sights
on a particular boy and according to Kathy’s younger sister, Joyce, who
was one grade below her, the feelings were mutual, and Kathy had a
“boyfriend”. Over the year, small tokens were given back and forth
between Kathy and her beau, Tom, and requests were made by both of them
to spend time together outside of school. Both sets of parents were
sensitive to their children’s feelings, but also wanted to be cautious
that they were not placing their children in any situation that might
be too much for them, so time together outside of school was either
supervised or allowed in a group with conditions.
Interestingly, Kathy’s relationship with Tom did not seem to have any
negative effects on the rest of her life. Her grades continued to be
excellent and if anything, her demeanor became more “mature” and
“responsible”. Although her parents were afraid that she was “growing
up too fast”, this “new” relationship did not seem to be compromising
her development in any fashion.
This example demonstrates the very normal development of “crushes”
during the later elementary school years moving into middle school
proper. In fact, the development of more advanced and intensified
interpersonal relationships demonstrates a positive shift in
development indicating that the child has matured to the point of
desiring the investment of feelings into relationships beyond the
immediate family and not just with his or her same-sexed peers. Such
“healthy” crushes as typically the product of both a healthy child and
good parenting provided the children in the “crush” are appropriately
managing the associated feelings of excitement, “love”, and concern for
another person. Such management is evidenced by the child’s capacity
to balance the relationship together with maintaining the rest of his
or her lives without any compromises, such as sliding grades.
On the other hand, some “crushes” can be unhealthy if the child is
seeking the relationship out of unhealthy needs, such as deficient
attention and love from one’s parents. In these particular “crushes”,
because of their negative underpinnings, other areas in the child’s
life tend to fall apart or they begin to “act out”, causing the
attentive parent to get involved and often times set limits.
In general however, the Tween or pre-adolescent “crush” is a
developmental achievement as the child is both trying to become more
independent from their parents and also practice the elements of
relationships, such as caring, empathy, commitment, and intimacy, all
of which they have hopefully internalized from the healthy
relationships they observe between their parents, extended families,
and close friends.
It is expected that parents have mixed feelings about this “crush”
period as they on the one hand are happy that their children are
interested in the opposite sex and are interested in relationships. On
the other hand, parents also worry that if the relationship is too
intense, it will negatively effect the rest of their lives and in some
cases, this becomes the case. Sexuality is another understandable
concern and one which parents need to be aware of and both discuss
their concerns with their child and set appropriate limits when
necessary, such as open door policies. Finally, some parents are
saddened that their child is “growing up”, as when the “crushes”
appear, often time the child is not as interested in spending as much
time with their parents as they used to before this stage of
development.
As with any stage of new development, “crushes” demonstrate change,
growth, anxiety, and excitement for the child and parent alike.
However, when shifts in development are met with understanding,
communication, compassion, guidance, and protection, these new shifts
become beneficial in growth and maturity and guide the path for more
advanced maturity in the future.
Key Points:
1. “Crushes” are usually a positive sign of healthy development.
2. A ‘crush” is both a way of a child feeling more independent as well as practicing new interpersonal roles.
3. Children base their relationships from their experiences with their parents.
4. Parents need to both understand the emotional aspects of a crush
but also place appropriate limits if necessary to avoid problems.
Dr. Keith Kanner
Host
Your Family Matters
Fox6 News – San Diego
San Diego Living Show
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