Watch Dr. Kanner discuss this topic this Monday, Memorial Day, @ 8:15a.m. on Fox6 News In The Morning.Setting limits with one's child is one of the basic responsibilities of
any parent, but also one of the most conflictual and difficult
experiences. This is due to the fact that having to say no to a child
inflicts discomfort and sometimes even pain which goes against another
basic parental responsibility which is to comfort and soothe a child
through difficult experiences. Such internal conflicts for any parent
commonly creates anxiety and at times decisions which may or may not be
in the best interests of the child. Most invested parents are in love
with their children and feel guilty when they have to frustrate them or
not provide gratification which is assumed to bring joy and happiness
to the child. However, this is not always the case for a child's
desire for something does not necessarily indicate a healthy choice
which the child cannot determine based on their immaturity. Here, the
parent is placed in the position of determining what is healthy versus
not which often times is not agreed upon by the child who then protests
the parental trump card. Here, the child then expresses their dismay
through anger or sadness which makes the parent feel uncomfortable that
they have "hurt" or "frustrated" their own child. For some parents,
this experience is so upsetting that they may give in and allow their
child to engage in activities which may not be good for them to avoid
witnessing the child's plight. Initially then, the parent avoids
feeling guilty for upsetting their child, but if the decision then led
to an unfortunate event, the avoided feeling of guilt hits like a ton
of bricks. When 14 year old Samantha convinced her parents that she
could manage a co-ed pool party at their house on a Friday night
without any parental supervision, her alligator tears made both of her
parents go against their joint intuition that this was not a good idea,
and sure enough the party got out of hand and their neighbors ended up
calling the police who found empty bottles of vodka all around the pool
area and some very intoxicated teenagers. Samantha's parents felt
awful. On the one hand they wanted to please their daughter and
intrust her to be with her friends, but on the other hand, both parents
intellectually knew that it was not fair to place their young daughter
in the role of policing her friends at a party.
Another obstacle that prevents parents from having to say "no" is
wanting to be "liked" and not ignored by their child. Once children
emerge from early childhood, most parents feel somewhat abandoned by
their children as they strive towards independence and replace the
parents with friends. This bewildering experience is painful for any
parent for in the earlier years, their children could not get enough of
them, and in these later years, the parents end of taking a number to
spend some quality time with their children. Here, unconsciously, many
parents will try to act "cool" in hopes that their children will spend
more time with them, be nicer to them, or even talk to them, with the
potential compromise however, that the parent is not looking out for
possible hazards by not setting some limits, or saying no. This was
the case for 14 year old Sam who's father allowed him to occasionally
drink a beer or two with him on the weekends thinking that this
experience would bring them closer and also take away Sam's curiosity
to "experiment" at parties with alcohol. but this effort backfired as
Sam became the "experienced" drinker of his friends and his use of
alcohol ended up increasing during high school which ended up hurting
both his health and his grades.
It is always easier to gratify one's child then frustrate them,
but both advents are equally important. Saying no or frustrating one's
child serves two purposes - protection from potential negative events
or influences and second, it teaches children how to better tolerate
frustration which is a vital life lesson which then becomes generalized
to the outside world. Clearly, the hardest part of saying no to a
child is how it makes a parent feel, but when parents understand that
saying no or setting limits is another means of protection and love for
their child, this should help to lessen their feelings of guilt and
discomfort for causing some temporary sadness. In fact, when parents
do say no when need be, the common result after perhaps a temper
tantrum or two, is a calming in the child and a sense of respect for
the parent. Ask any college sophomore about the importance of their
parents being watchful and parental during their teenage years and they
will tell you that you were "right" and may even thank you for not
giving into their every request.
Key Points:
1. Parents often fear setting limits with their kids because they want to be liked
2. Saying no often makes the parent feel guilty for causing sadness and pain in their child.
3. Appropriate limits however are as important as gratifying a child for their development and safety.
4. Once out of Adolescence, they will thank you for being parental and watchful.
Dr. Keith Kanner
Host
Your Family Matters Show
Fox6 News
San Diego Living Show
