Watch Dr. Kanner discuss this topic on Monday, June 2nd @ 8:15a.m. on Fox 6 News In The Morning.
With the recent arrest of 14
year old Heather D'Aoust for the alleged murder of her adopted mother
over the Memorial Day weekend, many parents are understandably looking
at their own children with their eyes wide open in hopes of
determining whether or not their demeanor and behaviors constitute
what would be considered "normal" or "deviant" for their age group.
This is due to the fact that most children who "act out", have a
history of psychological struggles and parents have been told that they
"should" be able to know their child "well-enough" to judge whether
they in good or bad shape. Subsequently, parents then feel guilty if
they do not pick up on various cues and respond before a crisis
occurs. Such issues came to a head when the D'Aoust case broke for the
initial reporting was that she seemed to be a "typical" teenager and in
fact her mother was a school counselor. Many concerned parents then
asked "how can something like this just happen.....do kids just
sometimes snap?". To the relief of many, as well as understandable
empathy and sympathy for the D'Aoust family, Heather's defense attorney
introduced to the court that she was indeed suffering from some
undisclosed psychological problems and hopes that the court system will
take such into consideration as her case continues in court.
Everyone knows that parenting is indeed the most important but toughest
job in the world. As any parent comes to realize, one cannot climb
inside of their child's mind and know what is actually going on. In
fact,this becomes especially so in the tween and teenage years as most
tweens and teenagers do not know either as they are in constant states
of flux and conflict which helps to explain why adolescence is such a
complicated and confusing stage of normal development. To make matters
even more complex, most tweens and teens do not openly talk to their
parents as they are normally trying to individuate and attempt to stand
up on their two feet and avoid feeling dependent upon their parents.
Here is when their friends become the "new" allies in the process of
growth and development which can be very helpful but also at times
dangerous.
So how can parents determine as to whether their child is sailing
through the tween and teen years well enough to avoid developing
psychological problems which would seriously effect their development
and well-being especially when they own child is neither disclosing
themselves in words and also feeling typically flooded with feelings
and challenges? Fortunately, although the teen may communicate
themselves in words to their parents, their behavior and attitude
provide windows into their minds which can then help the attuned parent
evaluate whether or not they have a child in distress. In other words,
both the tweens and teens are not able to contain all of their
struggles in their minds and watching them on a day to day basis most
often is enough for parents to be on alert if a significant problem
were to manifest.
On the other hand however, parents also need to know what would be
considered "normal" behavior for a teenager which is ironic for many
people struggle normalizing much of what the typical adolescent
portrays given they are making such assessments based on being mature
adults. From a "normal" point of view however, given the normal
internal and external conflicts and pressures that the tweens and teens
entertain on a daily basis, the following are typical and expected from
ages 12 through 17:
Normal Teen Behavior:
1. moodiness
2. inconsistent self-esteem
3. distancing from parents
4. strong peer alliances
5. experimentation
6. increased aggression and sexuality
7. inconsistent judgment
8. tiredness
9. idealistic differences from parents
10. concerns for the future
On the other hand, dangerous games, failing grades, drug and alcohol abuse, habitual rebellious behavior,
depression,
and in the worst case, teenage suicide, are all examples of “warning
signs” that a “tween” or adolescent are in trouble, and that their
behavior is not normal as compared to what is considered expected for a
teenager. The old adage that “kids will be kids” can be a dangerous
assumption if one does not fully understand what is considered “normal”
versus abnormal behavior when considering a middle or high school-aged
boy or girl. As psychologists, psychiatrists, and psychoanalysts, we
speak of the typical processes of separation and individuation as
children and adolescents alike consciously and unconsciously attempt to
separate themselves and be psychologically independent from their
adult counterparts by acting and doing things differently in efforts to
feel less dependent and more grown up, but the degree and extent to
which course might take must consider individual differences based on
both the personality and particular conflicts each child and adolescent
endures.
Another important consideration is that by definition, adolescents
tend to feel normally invincible and their judgment tends to be
commonly inconsistent based on the influences of strong feelings of
aggression and sexuality which puts great stress on their
consciousnesses. Coupled with peer influences, pressure to do well in
school, and a more or less self-centered view of the world based on
their general sense of vulnerability, decisions are often half thought
through and mistakes happen from time to time. When this happens, most
“good” parents set limits and the behaviors calm down, until the next
periodic time of “not thinking” occurs. However, occasional poor
judgment is far different than consistent investments in
self-compromising behaviors which tend to place this group of children
into frequent states of peril. When this happens, we see these choices
as symptoms of something much larger inside of the adolescent causing
disturbance and subsequent maladaptive behaviors.
Exactly what is going on inside of these particular children needs
more investigation to determine for example as whether or not they are
depressed, going through a rough developmental period, or withstanding
an even more debilitating personality disturbance. However, it takes
an invested parent who is observing their child on a daily basis and
who has some sense of what is considered normal or not, to make the
determination as to whether or not their child needs help.
In most cases, when parents find that their child is going down a
less than optimal pathway, they intervene and talk with their child and
then if there is a lack of change, they get them some help. This is
why most adolescents are not either depressed or failing out of high
school. Parents however, need to constantly be on alert as to how
their child is managing his or her lives during these critical years.
We all know that most adolescents do not talk openly to their parents
for those same reasons of wanting to be “on their own”, but their
behaviors usually speak loud and clear as to how they are really
feeling about life and themselves. Very few children who are really
suffering have a lack of presently symptoms that can be identified by
anyone outside of the boy or girl who has the knowledge of normality
versus abnormality and pay attention to their children. Symptoms are
basically anything that is evidence of something self-compromising to a
child or adolescent, but the top most common ones are as follows:
Abnormal Teen Behavior:
1. failing grades in school
2. habitual risk-taking behaviors
3. daily negative self-statements
4. a absence of friendships
5. evidence of self-injurious activities (i.e. cutting)
6. poor hygiene after age 12
7. school behavior problems
8. trouble with the law
9. consistent oppositional attitude towards all adults
10. evidence of drug and alcohol paraphernalia
Limits placed on these issues by parents help children in
elevating their self-esteem and subsequently helps them better manage
their feelings which at this stage feel out of their control. When a
parent helps, these noted symptoms often subside, and the risk of their
actions intensifying lessen. However if a parent fails to identify
such problems and fail to get them some help if their best efforts fall
short, their child will continue to suffer and their problems may
intensify leading to some sort of crisis which can then hurt the
entire family.
Resources can be obtained by contacting your child’s primary care
physician, calling your insurance company and asking for a list of
approved professionals, or by viewing my list of specialists in child
and adolescent psychology and psychiatry through my blog here on
Fox6.com.
Dr. Keith Kanner
Host
Your Family Matters Show
Fox6 News – San Diego
San Diego Living Show
