Watch Dr. Kanner discuss this topic on Monday, June 9th @ 8:15am on Fox6 News In The Morning.
Background: With
summer just around the corner, a wonderful opportunity becomes
available for time spent with children without the battles of homework
and organized sports tainting the air. It is true that as working
parents, we will still have ongoing commitments, but our children will
be looking for our investment in their interests, ideas, and
activities. For many parents, this may catch them off guard as we are
used to being put aside due to our children's busy schedules, or they may not make the time to play with their children because they are not sure what type of play is best.
For 8 year-old Tom, his life is relatively typical for a boy
his age. He goes to school, plays many sports, has a number of
collections, and has friends. He shares his experiences openly with
his mother, Gloria, who seems engaged and connected to him which makes
Tom feel much loved and secured by his mother's attachment to him. On
the other hand, his relationship with his father, Bill, is strained and
distant. Although Tom's father does not
have to travel much
with his job and is home most evenings before Tom and his sister go to
bed, a disconnect, or lack of connection is evident between Tom and his
father leaving this boy feeling disappointed and saddened by the
present relationship he has with his father.
Bill, Tom's father states openly that he "loves being a father", but
will also state that it has also been stressful for him. For one
thing, it has been a struggle for him balancing time for himself with
time spent with his children. Bill has a 40+ hour per week occupation
and by the end of the day is understandably tired. When he walks in
the door at home at the end of the day, both Tom and his sister smother
him and want his undivided attention for they have missed him during
the day. This puts Bill in a bind; he is tired and stressed, but also
feels as though he should spend some time with his children. The
result is strained interaction which leaves Tom feeling bad that he has
annoyed his father. Another variable which makes it difficult for Bill
to interrelate with Tom is a feeling as though he cannot understand
Tom's experiences based on his young age. "It's really hard to
understand an 8-year old for me. I look forward to when he is older so
he can talk to me more like an adult."
Terri is a full time mother
who also has an internet clothing business. Often time, she is busy
trying to make sales while her two children play aimlessly around the
house. Often times, they hurt each other or fight like wild dogs which
drives Terri crazy. When the behaviors become extreme, she then puts
down her computer and begins to discipline the children which makes
them stop. She then returns to her computer and the fights continue.
This is a good example of what I call "Arm Chair Parenting" and is a
doomed to fail. What Terri does not realize is that her children are
showing her their anger for her lack of investment in their lives. As
small children, they are not internally aware that they are feeling sad
and ignored by their mother, but internally, they feel sad and
externalize their feelings by fighting as an unconscious attempt to ask
their mother to play with them. Obviously , Terri needs to fulfill
her obligations for her job, but just like we explain to our children,
their is a time for work, and a time for play. This adage applies to
adults just as much as children. In all liklihood, if Terri were to
pick up on her children's cues, and began to play with them for awhile,
or make special time to do so, her children would feel satisfied and
calm down. Once engaged in some other structured or fun activity,
Terri could then return to her computer.
The above vignette
s
are common stor
ies for many families in that the task of parenting can be both the most rewarding, yet stressful expe
rience
for many adults. Becoming a parent is a developmental achievement for
adults that shifts them into a more advanced level of development
filled with challenges and tasks. Many adults will express that having
a child is the single most remarkable experience in life and immerse
themselves in the process, while others feel pleased with the process,
but struggle with both the stresses and capacity to understand
what goes on in the minds of children and adolescents
and how important they are in learning about life, themselves, and the world around them.
For the child, having an invested, loving, understanding, and
available parent contributes to both an internalized sense of love and
confidence as well as becomes a marker for premier psychological
functioning and success in the future. For both boys and g
irls, the
relationship they have with the same-sex parent also is significant in
the establishment of gender identity and interpersonal or social
performance for this parent is their ideal as to what they aspire to be
like inn future years. In other words, this parent becomes the "hero"
for the child. Therefore, when the relationship is strained or
distanced, the effect can be detrimental to the child.
Many parents do not understand how their interaction, attitude, and
investment in their children serves as the most vital predictors for
their child's psychological development and future success. Many rely
too heavily on schools and other external avenues to help their child
mature and grow.
The truth, however, is that
the relationship with the parents is the single most important
relationship and learning opportunity for any child and will have a
significant impact on both the child's everyday life as well as molding
their personality overe the years as they become independent adults.
The old adage "parenting is the toughest job in the world" is a truism
as well as the one stating that "parenting is the most rewarding exper
ience
in the world" as parents experience their offspring blossom ad become
self-functioning. Taking both of these into consideration, the more
that the parent can learn about child and adolescent development, the
uniqueness of their child, and try to connect themselves to their child
through each stage of their development, the outcome for both the child
and parent alike is optimal and rewarding.
To provide for this opportunity, however, certain measures must be considered:
1. Familiarize yourself with child and adolescent development.
There are various books available for parents on all aspects on each
stage of development, such as the series of developmental books through
the American Academy of Pediatrics and ones published by T. Barry
Brazelton and Peneloppe Leach.
2. Make an effort to get to know your child. Look at their artwork,
read their stories, attend school-related activities, and ask them
about their interests and let them teach you things.
3. Make time to spend time alone with them apart from other children
and your spouse. Children love one-on-one time with a parent for they
do not have to share any attention.
4. Take care of yourself. Each parent needs to balance self-care
with caring for their child. The healthy adult who can take care of
both their own physical and psychological needs is both more capable of
giving more to their children as well as setting an important model for
healthy adult development. If Bill, for example, in the vignette was
able to perhaps find a time to exercise during his day, and debrief
himself on his way home from work, his attitude and demeanor once home
might be more relaxed and loving, which would be beneficial for both
Tom and Bill alike.
5. Use this summer as an opportunity to spend time and give plenty of
attention to your children while the stresses of school are off the
table. Your kids will be a bit bored this summer with the loss of
structure, so consider filling some of it with you!
Dr. Keith Kanner
Host
Your Family Matters Show
Fox6 News - San Diego
San Diego Living Show
