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Be sure to come meet all of us here @ Fox6 tonight at the STAR PARTY @ Sea World.
Watch Dr. Kanner this Monday, June 16th @ 8:15am on Fox6 News In The Morning discuss this important topic. Don't miss it!
Background: This past week a
mother called to schedule an appointment with me based on her 15 year
old daughter stealing money out of her purse which had become a
increasing habit over the past few months. She went on to tell me that
she then used the money to shop for stylish clothing in order to feel
at par with the "popular" girls at her school who were furiously
teasing her for wearing non-label, regular clothing, and excluding her
from a variety of activities. In fact, she was even called "gay" and
told that boys would never like her for the types of clothing she wore
to school in the mornings. To make matters even worse, many of the
boys also would not talk with her and called her a "tomboy" because she
was not wearing clothing that would show off her cleavage and
tight-enough jeans that they could see her behind. Along with the
clothing, then came the accessories - cell phones, designer purses; di!
amond earring, make-up, multiple ear piercings; and many other very
"sexualized" ornaments. Her mother felt both angry and guilty. On the
one hand, this is a true "down to earth mother", a woman who is
well-educated, has strong moral, and is trying to teach her daughter
that the most important part of a person is what is in the inside, not
the outside - to be nice, caring, educated, and respect values, morals,
and the rights of others. She told me that she obviously did not dress
her child in rags and non-stylish clothing, it merely did not have the
"labels" on the clothing identifying it as being "expensive" and that
this seemed to be what these other girls were focusing on. On the
other hand, the mother felt awful that her daughter was suffering and
felt guilty that she was not "conforming" to the standards that these
"so-called" popular girls were professing. Aside from the stealing of
money, she told me that her daughter was not doing as we! ll in school
as she had been this year - falling from all As t! o As, Bs , and Cs,
and that she felt she may be depressed. I told her to please bring in
her daughter as soon as possible.
Alexa presented as a bright, attractive, yet sad 15 year old young lady
who felt embarrassed to have to come talk to a shrink. She told me
that the last person she felt she would need to talk to was someone
like me because up until middle school, she felt like "everyone else".
Over the years however, she described feel often excluded from certain
girls groups for not wearing such expensive designer clothes and for
not watching the "popular television shows", such as "America's Next
Top Model", "Dancing With The Stars", and "The Bathelorette" all of
which she described these girls were attempting to emulate. She began
to cry as she told me how guilty she felt about stealing money from her
beloved mother, but she knew, and agreed with her mother and father's
standards about being an individual and unique and not having to "put
on a show for other's acceptances". But, she also told me that she
wanted to fit in, be accepted, have boys like her, and move a! head as
an adolescent. She was tired and saddened about being called a
Lesbian, a nerd, having girls pull at her blouse and look for a certain
label and then ridicule her for being "poor". Ironically, her family
is nothing but the opposite, Her father is a respected and successful
professional and her mother both is a successful health care advocate
and a wonderful mother of three. It is not about the money, it is
about the message. "Be yourself, love yourself, love others, be a good
person, learn as much about the world as you can, be a good friend,
have empathy for others, and forgive others for their misfortunes".
Alexa's conflict was about these opposing forces within her mind.
Morally agreeing with her parents, but also wanting to be expected by
her peers, and as an adolescent her job is to move into independence
and try to get along with her peer groups. But at what cost? Her
morals, values, self-esteem? I asked her what perce! nt of the girls in
her grade were like these mini-Paris Hilton! s and sh e told me an
amazing 70 percent! I became very sad and worried at this moment as I
am always being asked why are the kids today so "messed up", and now I
have to include the "Materialistic Movement" into the list of unhealthy
influences on children. She told me that all of this has caused her to
feel as though she does not really know who she is anymore or what she
should be - that the present influences in public school are very
different from solid healthy values - this has made her sad, depressed,
and feeling very guilty.
In psychoanalysis, we use a technique called countertransference as one
of our therapeutic tools. Countertransference, as opposed to
transference, are the feeling, thoughts, and memories that come into
our minds about the material that our patients tell us. We then use
this information to better connect to our patient's experiences and
better help us develop empathy, compassion, and devise our treatment
plans to decrease their suffering. Her story brought me back to my
childhood being brought up by parents very similar to hers. My parents
were very humble and were very careful not to overdue what they bought
for me or allowed me to be boastful or mean to other children. When I
was teased about something, whether it be a non-designer type of
clothing or when allowed to drive not at 16 back then, but 17, I was
allowed to use my mother's 10 year old golden four-door Ford Granada
which was what I drove to high school as my first car - I did eventual!
ly convince her to buy a Firebird and waxed it every week for her and
eventually convinced her by the end of my senior year of high school
that it was "too sporty" for her and managed to inherit it before I
left for college. But, it was my father's advice - "It doesn't matter
what other people think, it is who you believe you are and the choices
YOU make. If you are a good person, do good things, study hard, have a
positive attitude, then it really doesn't matter what any bully might
tell you, because you are a good person and good things happen to good
people". His words sunk in and I became an advocate in high school
about accepting everyone as an individual and promoted equality and
decreased the concept of entitlement and pathological narcissism. I
carried this concept into my person and professional life and such
beliefs are central to our show here on Fox6.
Back to Alexa, her story combined with my associations to her words
helped me both understand how she was feeling, generated compassion and
allowed me to help begin to help her work through her conflicts between
her family's values and the so-called values of a select group of
peers, which appears quite large these days.
I believe this story is a good representation of what is happening in
the society of a large number of our youth these days. Many have
evolved from rather reaching within to discover knowledge, change, and
make the world a better place to live fueled by the addition of healthy
family values to one filled with too much competition, envy, and a
general lack of consideration for fellow man. I do not mean to imply
that everyone is this way, and in fact, I think just the opposite, but
their are enough that fall into this category that confuses many
healthy children who are in the process of trying to become
individuals, naturally separate from their families in order to become
their own individual who are then drawn into these senarios in order to
establish thi s quest and be accepted into some sort of a peer group.
The problem here however, is the health of the peer group one is
affiliating with and if it is one which follows the values of
superiority, entitlem! ent, over-sexuality, and even the normalization
of drugs and alcohol to "be cool", we have a big problem on our hands
and it is the responsibility of us, the adults, parents, professionals,
teachers, clergy, coaches, and many other "mature" and "healthy" adults
to go back to the basics of helping children early in their development
and throughout childhood to be kind, compassionate, focus on education,
practice and reinforce healthy family values, and talk with your
children when they are not being a considerate, honest, compassionate,
and reasonable individual. This is our job - parenting and intervening
as mature adults rather than leave the "mean girls" on the playground
to hurt our children for all of this will be internalized and passed
along to the next generation and the next and then we are all going to
be in real trouble.
Key Points:
1. Teach and reinforce family values early in development.
2. Do not let your children emotionally or physically hurt another person.
3. Resist over-indulgence - this breeds entitlement and aggression
4. Call your children out when they are acting inappropriate
5. Watch what you expose them to - television and otherwise
6. Set healthy examples and practice what you state
Your Family Matters has been developed to help families live happier
and healthier lives. But I need your help to take these messages and
apply them in each and every household.
God Bless.
Dr. Keith Kanner
Host
Your Family Matters Show
Fox6 News
San Diego Living Show
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About drkanner
Dr. Kanner is a Licensed Clinical Child, Adolescent, and Adult Psychologist and Psychoanalyst with a full time private practice in Rancho Santa Fe, California. He is also an Assistant Clinical Professor of Psychiatry in the School of Medicine at U.C. San Diego and a Clinical Instructor and Supervisor at the San Diego Psychoanalytic Society and Institute. Recently, he has become the Director of Clinical Counseling for La Jolla Country Day School and has been named to the National Board of Directors for KidsKorps, USA. He continues as a Consultant for many public and private schools in San Diego and has also received distinguished teaching awards over the past seven years. He is a published author and a sought after speaker on topics pertaining to childhood, adolescence, and parenthood. He is also presently writing a book for Fox based on his show, Your Family Matters.
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