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A very important topic for all families with children! Watch Dr. Kanner dicuss this one live on Monday morning, June 30th @ 8:15.
Although George Carlin
was a brilliant man and fabulous comedian, his views on the
"normalization" of profanity is one area of his reasoning that I must
respectively disagree as I would assume most, if not all, mental health
experts would agree. The use of profanity has always been prohibited
in schools, camps, sports clubs, and all organizations that work with
youths, and for very good reasons. Most parents also do not let their
children "swear" for they intuitively know that it is not in their
child's best interests and can lead to all sorts of future problems.
When children are allowed to use "swear" words, they know within their
minds that it is wrong and that they are breaking a rule. Most healthy
children then feel bad when they break rules and then unconsciously
punish themselves in a variety of ways for not "doing what they are
taught to do" by their parents, teachers, coaches, etc. The common
term of "negative attention" can be applied to this concept. Aside
from breaking a rule, the content of such "words" can also lead to
greater impulsiveness, over-stimulation, and also lead to fighting
within the household and on the playground. Such swearing can also
become infectious in that other children, due to wishing to be
accepted, will adopt such terminology and the plot thickens.
However, beneath each use of such words are obvious feelings and
thoughts which are important for parents to try to understand and help
their children feel comfortable with, not guilty about. For example,
when a child uses an "angry" swear word, they are expressing anger or
frustration. On the other hand, a "sexualized" term may indicate
questions about sexuality and be an indication that they may have some
questions or anxieties about such topics.
Therefore, it is important for parents to intervene in two ways when their children swear.
Before setting a limit or punishing them, first try to listen to
the content of their choice of words and ask yourself what they might
be feeling and thinking. Second, it is important that the parent then
validates the feeling. Third, try to help your child get to the bottom
of what is either bothering them or what might be on their minds.
Finally, the helpful parent needs to set limits on the use of such
words with "helpful" contingencies, and encourage the child to use
"more appropriate" words to express their feelings. The basic idea
behind this technique if not to instill guilt over their feelings, but
to help them learn how to accept, manage, and express them in
appropriate manners. When this is successfully accomplished, the child
feels supported, protected, and validated for their feelings which then
reduces self-punishment (I.e. ! negative attention) and other forms of
behavioral or psychological problems.
The use of swear words also allows the parent to educate them about the
potential contents that our on their minds which also lessens anxiety.
For example, most children between the grades of 4th and 6th, begin to
use all sorts of sexualized terms and frequently take the terms too
far. This is an indication that as "Tweens", their bodies are changing
and they are starting to feel new sensation which are new, exciting,
and also perhaps anxiety-provoking. When parents hear these types of
terms, the door becomes open to approach them with opportunities to
discuss puberty, questions about topic such as masturbation, etc. Once
again, behind every expression of profanity are feelings, thoughts, and
perhaps some anxiety about what is going on inside of their minds.
Just punishing them for what they state, misses the opportunity to help
them learn about themselve! s, others, and how to better tolerate and
express strong feeli! ngs.&nbs p; When parents approach profanity
from this complex perspective, they are doing what all parents should
be doing - parenting, and your children will surely benefit from your
investment in them.
Key Points:
1. Profanity is an expression of strong feelings and thoughts.
2. Parents need to try to understand what is behind the terms they are using.
3. Opportunities are them evident to teach them about their questions.
4. Set limits on such terms, but encourage the expression of the feelings in appropriate words.
5. When children are allowed to "break rules", they feel bad about
themselves and may go into a self-punishing mode behaviorally,
academically, or otherwise.
Dr. Keith Kanner/ Morning Show Host
Your Family Matters
Fox 6 News
San Diego Living Show
8253 Ronson Road, San Diego 92111
ph (619) 261-2346/ (858) 756-3050
drkanner@fox6.com
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About drkanner
Dr. Kanner is a Licensed Clinical Child, Adolescent, and Adult Psychologist and Psychoanalyst with a full time private practice in Rancho Santa Fe, California. He is also an Assistant Clinical Professor of Psychiatry in the School of Medicine at U.C. San Diego and a Clinical Instructor and Supervisor at the San Diego Psychoanalytic Society and Institute. Recently, he has become the Director of Clinical Counseling for La Jolla Country Day School and has been named to the National Board of Directors for KidsKorps, USA. He continues as a Consultant for many public and private schools in San Diego and has also received distinguished teaching awards over the past seven years. He is a published author and a sought after speaker on topics pertaining to childhood, adolescence, and parenthood. He is also presently writing a book for Fox based on his show, Your Family Matters.
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