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A very important topic for all families to consider. Watch Dr. Kanner's award winning show this Monday, July 7th @ 8:15am on Fox6 News In The Morning and the New CW-San Diego6.
Busy schedules, duel
incomes, resistances of adolescents to talk to their parents about
their lives, and many other entities, have frequently led many families
to abandon the old tradition of family dinners. I'm sure many of you
can remember how some of the most valuable bonding time in a family was
accomplished during such dinners, and in fact I can remember which food
my mother used to cook which led me to either look forward to the past
time or try to find a way to state that I had too much homework to eat!
The truth however is that in most families these days, the only time a
family can be together and actually visit is during a meal. I can
remember that some of the most humorous times during one of my favorite
childhood shows, The Brady Bunch, was the information that was
generated during dinner conversations. Granted, the Brady Bunch was
not what most of us experience during family dinners, in fact just the
opposite. These days, depending upon the age of your children, if they
are over the age of 6, they really do not want to talk much about their
days and adolescents will "take the 5th" and basically remain silent
and may even wear their i-pod during the meal. Understandably, most
parents feel frustrated and try to generate conversation out of
interest and love for their children only to be rejected and hurt.
This can then lead to arguments, groundings, of even a decision to just
forget about the family dinner idea altogether, but then the pare! nt
and child alike feel left abandoned and apart from one another. If you
are fortunate enough to have a child under the age of 5, they love to
talk and could easily take over the dinner conversation all by
themselves, but then the older kids will roll their eyes and want to be
excused.
So what can families these days do to reinstate the traditional family
dinner tradition in an attempt to make it beneficial for all? I've had
many parent share with me the idea of "taking turns" talking about
their day, but if you have an adolescent in your home, the common
response is "pass". If you have a child between the ages of 7 and 11,
the common language used to "describe their day at school" is "fine"
without any details whatsoever. This is typically when most parents
then try to pry open their minds only to find that their child has
managed to "crazy glue" their mouth's shut! The 5 and under ones
however love when this happens for they are then center stage and love
the limelight and could talk or ask questions for the entire dinner
hour causing joy for the parents, but fury for the other children. Who
said sitcoms really represent reality in a household - "The Brady Bunch
Effect".
The typical situation I have described is normal and is frustrating
for every loving and caring parent for they want to know how their
children are doing and want to be helpful. Even the best parent cannot
read their child's mind, so we need information from them to assess how
they are doing. Report cards, progress reports, and other external
means of information are helpful in knowing how a child is managing
themselves as well as observing whether or not they are socializing and
invested in activities, such as sports or arts, but, hey, we all want
to hear it from the "horses mouth!". Unless you have a very mature
child, all parents have to be more cleaver in how to get their child or
adolescent to talk! Here are some of the basic ways to ease the
tension around dinner time.
Key Points:
1. Have a family dinner time and mandate it at least 3 days a week. Here, you at least have their attention and you as the parent are mandating the importance of "family".
2. Prepare meals that the children enjoy. This may be
difficult if you have children at different ages, but it is worth the
effort. If kids enjoy what they eat, they will be in a better mood.
Obviously, make it healthy and stay away from junk food items.
3. Be in a good mood yourself. Begin by talking about
your day and share some experiences with your significant other if you
have one to get the ball rolling. You could even consider making an
agenda with your partner ahead of time covering topics which entail
topics having to do with feelings - happy, sad, frustrating, etc. to
help model the importance of sharing and talking. Do not however use
this time to discuss misgivings about your children, for they will
retreat immediately. Save those times for private moments.
4. Do NOT interrogate them with questions, such as "how was your day", for the over 6 year olds. Instead, bring up some
neutral topics at the table, such as the Padres; Chargers;
Election issues; our great team here at Fox6 moving to CW6 next month
(lol); current events; things you have read about in the paper about
important issues but being careful NOT to bring up any topic that might
be too much for your younger children to comprehend; upcoming family
vacations, etc. This
"indirect manner" will often ease your tweens and teens to
chime in for "they have opinions", often the opposite of yours, but
that is normal developmentally, and can lead to, I hope, a rich
conversation.
5. Consider inviting their friends to some of your dinners.
Tween and Teen guests will often share all sorts of information with
you that your own children will not because you are NOT their parent.
With such friends, you CAN ask them questions about school, friends,
etc. and they are more likely to answer, because they are not in the
process of having to prove their independence to you, and you can find
out a lot about school, friends, etc. Be careful however to NOT ask
them any questions about YOUR child in private for you will pay the
price with your own child for prying.
In summary, what you are doing with this mandate is reinforcing the
notion of "family" despite developmental changes and communicating that
you are interested in your child irrespective of what they might be
going through. Such a tradition will then likely be passed down to
their generation and hopefully the next. As I have talked about
before, we need to get back to the basics by instilling family values
in our children and dinnertime may be the only time that a family can
be in the same place at the same time.
Try these techniques out at home and let me know how it plays itself
out by contacting me here @ Fox6. Also, if you have some other success
stories, please share them with me as well so I can pass them along to
other parents (with your permission only) so we can all try to be
better parents.
Dr. Keith Kanner/ Morning Show Host
Your Family Matters
Fox 6 News
San Diego Living Show
8253 Ronson Road, San Diego 92111
ph (619) 261-2346/ (858) 756-3050
drkanner@fox6.com
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About drkanner
Dr. Kanner is a Licensed Clinical Child, Adolescent, and Adult Psychologist and Psychoanalyst with a full time private practice in Rancho Santa Fe, California. He is also an Assistant Clinical Professor of Psychiatry in the School of Medicine at U.C. San Diego and a Clinical Instructor and Supervisor at the San Diego Psychoanalytic Society and Institute. Recently, he has become the Director of Clinical Counseling for La Jolla Country Day School and has been named to the National Board of Directors for KidsKorps, USA. He continues as a Consultant for many public and private schools in San Diego and has also received distinguished teaching awards over the past seven years. He is a published author and a sought after speaker on topics pertaining to childhood, adolescence, and parenthood. He is also presently writing a book for Fox based on his show, Your Family Matters.
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