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Watch Dr. Kanner discuss this topic live this Monday on the New San Diego6-CW News In The Morning.
Background:
Questions, questions, and more questions. As parents, we become
bombarded with such as early as when our children begin to talk and
become more complex and personal as children move through the various
stages of development. At first, many questions are naive and are
based on gathering understandable facts about the world. These are the
easy "nuts" and "bolts" of helping children build their minds and are
needed for optimal development. But even the answers to these types of
questions need to be explained in ways that children can understand
your answers and must not be presented in ways that might cause them
anxiety or overwhelm them.
In other words, the key is to give them only enough information
to make them comfortable, but not to go beyond what they are able to
digest for this might backfire and create panic.
However, as children grow, their questions become much more personal about you,
not so much as an adult, but when you were a child and adolescent.
This is when it becomes very complicated. On the one hand, we want to
teach our children to tell the truth and be honest and have integrity.
But, on the other hand, children use their parents as frames of reference and as their models of how to be NOW and how NOT to be,
even when the adolescents are trying to differentiate themselves.
Examples of such complicated questions have to do with study habits,
grades, dating, sex, and use of alcohol and drugs. Get ready parents,
if this has not reached your dinner table, they will and you better be
prepared on how you will respond. In other words, think through your
beliefs, hopefully based on optimizing your child's development and
physical and psychological well being, and get ready for how to respond.
As children and adolescents, we have all made our mistakes and
hopefully learned from them. As parents, one of our basic jobs is to be
the best teacher to our children and much of this is based on our
mistakes that we experienced in our childhoods, otherwise history will
indeed repeat itself. In many cases, parents have been very open with
their children about the above types of questions - drugs, sex, etc.
and feel as though they tell them these things to "help" them avoid
making the "same mistakes" that they did as an adolescent.
Unfortunately, the results of such disclosures tend to be very mixed and air on more negative than positive. If you are fortunate enough to have a very mature adolescent, they are less likely to call you a
hypocrite when you tell them NOT to do something that you did at
their age, but remember, you are your child's model and even though
they may be trying to differentiate from you, they also want to be like
y! ou - yes, they love and respect you and see you now as a healthy
adult. You therefore are their window into the future and they will
internalize "well my mom turned out well as she used drugs when she was
in high school".
The problem however is that times have changed. Drugs types and
usage, teenage pregnancy, increased competition in getting into
colleges and much more has changed the world that we experienced when
we were in middle and high school, and our children need our protection
more than ever.
So, how can we protect, be honest, but not place ourselves in a
position where our children out of love for us, answer difficult
questions without placing ourselves in a hypocritical position? I had
a case a number of years ago where a single father thought that having
a few beers with his 15 year old son was a way to bond and become
closer and "friends". I warned the father that such a practice was
both illegal and a horrible idea for this could lead to further
problems for his son. In this particular case, the boys grades
suffered and he began using other recreational drugs. His father was
furious, but his son confronted him by stating, "if you were so worried
about me then why did you let me do it". The guilt then hit this
father and he decided that such openness was not in the best interest
of his child after all, but he could not erase what he had already done.
The "best interest of your child is the key here".
We want our children to be healthy, confident, and have solid
self-esteem and friendships along with good grades as they go through
the difficult years of adolescence. As their parents, we are the
gatekeepers and must present to them healthy choices irrespective of
what mistakes we made in our earlier years.
The answer is to keep the focus on them, not you. A
wonderful way to make a child or adolescent feel empowered when they
ask you a good question, is to tell them just that "That is a great
question you asked me". But, the answer you give must be based on two
things: 1) the question they are asking you is really about THEM, not
you, for it is a projection of their ideas; and 2) your job is to
protect them. Taken together then, the focus is on them and your
position on protecting them, based on your knowledge as an adult, not
an adolescent!
I had the father of one of my patients tell me how he tackled the sex
question with his 14 year old son. When his son asked him when he had
sex, this father stated: "great question and I am sure you are getting
exposed to all sorts of influences and stories these days. What a
tough place for you. I remember those days too. But, as your dad, I
want you to come to me with these questions and I will help you sort
them through. His son was persistent - "dad, when did you have sex for
the first time" - his father's wonderful response was, "it really
doesn't matter what I may or may not have done, we are talking about
you and I am on your team and I do not feel as though adolescents
should have sex until they are either at the end of high school or in
college for a number of reasons which he then described to his son.
Although he did NOT directly answer the question, he did not lie, he
just did not disclose for all of the reasons I have li! sted above,
His son was a bit angry that his dad did not discuss his history, but
it's better to have you child or adolescent angry with you, then engage
in something that could harm them. We all are used to our children
feeling ambivalent towards us, this is all being a part of a parent.
Therefore, no need to lie, just keep the focus on where it should be
them, not you.
Key Points:
1.Only give enough details to their questions to satisfy them
2.Your children always identify with you and will repeat your patterns
3.Too much personal disclosure causes more harm than good
4. Always keep the best interest of your children in mind
5. Keep the focus on them, NOT you - this is honest and not a lie
Dr. Keith Kanner/ Morning Show Host
Your Family Matters
Fox 6 News
San Diego Living Show
8253 Ronson Road, San Diego 92111
ph (619) 261-2346/ (858) 756-3050
drkanner@fox6.com
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About drkanner
Dr. Kanner is a Licensed Clinical Child, Adolescent, and Adult Psychologist and Psychoanalyst with a full time private practice in Rancho Santa Fe, California. He is also an Assistant Clinical Professor of Psychiatry in the School of Medicine at U.C. San Diego and a Clinical Instructor and Supervisor at the San Diego Psychoanalytic Society and Institute. Recently, he has become the Director of Clinical Counseling for La Jolla Country Day School and has been named to the National Board of Directors for KidsKorps, USA. He continues as a Consultant for many public and private schools in San Diego and has also received distinguished teaching awards over the past seven years. He is a published author and a sought after speaker on topics pertaining to childhood, adolescence, and parenthood. He is also presently writing a book for Fox based on his show, Your Family Matters.
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