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Be sure to watch Dr. Kanner discuss this topic live this Monday, August 18th @ 8:20am on the New San Diego6 News In The Morning.
Background:
For most parents, concern about their children developing successful
friendships is as important as academic dedication and solid morals and
family values. But, as all adults realize, friendships are both
complicated and confusing especially for children as most do not
understand that friends are anything but perfect and at times can be
very supportive, but at other times either overly competitive or
envious. By adolescence, most boys and girls take this into stride and
manage to accept ups and downs in their friendships as “normal” unless
or course there is a break-up with their best friend (BF) or a
boyfriend or girlfriend which can feel overwhelming.
Aside from the imperfection of any friendship, is also differences in
how the temperament or personality of the child will affect how they
interact with others. For example, outgoing children, who do not get
easily upset, tend to have an easier time developing friendships then
children who are either shy or easily upset by misfortune. Much of
this is constitutional, or genetic, but at other times can be based on
learning, bad experiences, or modeling how significant people in their
lives manage their friendships. Here, children often imitate the type
of friendships that the parent of the same sex maintain, whether their
mother or father are successful in their interpersonal lives and manage
their own conflicts with others.
Another important variable is the type of person a child chooses to
befriend and in some cases, the child will seek out a “healthy” friend
or group, but in other cases not make such good choices. This is often due
to unconscious motivations based on their relationships with their
parents or siblings. As people, we naturally tend to repeat patterns
in hopes of undoing or changing previous experiences in hopes of making them better or because they are familiar. As a example,
many negative friendships that brew in childhood and adolescence are
based on trying to “change” a person who reminds them or someone
significant in their life, such as a competitive brother or sister.
Here, we see children befriending someone who may not be very nice to
them and the child who is trying to heal a previously negative tries
each and every avenue to try to get that person to “like and accept
them” to no avail and becomes saddened and hurt when their best efforts
fail. The motivation here is to be liked by someone who may have too
much animosity towards them and it becomes an impossible task. On the
other hand, many children naturally pick healthy and positive friends
and escape social problems.
Parents though can help this process by teaching their children
appropriate social skills as soon as their child has attained enough
maturity to play with others, something that we call “cooperative play”
which is usually possible by the 2nd year of pre-school. Before this,
children naturally play aside from other children until they develop
enough understanding of another person’s feelings to play together. It
is at the cooperative play period where parents can really help. Most
parents allow their children to naturally play with others which is
optimal provided their are few conflicts evident based again on both
their child’s natural temperament and also positive experiences with
their relationships with their parents and watching how their parents
interact with each other and other adults. On the other hand, if a
parent notices struggles with their child interacting with others, this
is where the parent needs to step in and help them navigate conflict
and resolution.
As a general rule, I always suggest that between the ages of 3 and 6,
when a parent arranges a play date, he or she sits down with the two
children and set some basic standards about how their should play
together and also have some limits about both the types of games they
may play and also specify what location they should play within – this
“structure” then helps set the stage for a successful play time which
then becomes learned and hopefully repeated. Some of these basic
“rules” should include: sharing; taking turns choosing activities;
being kind; expressing in words when they are feeling upset; and the
parent being available if the conflict becomes too intense for the
children to manage. When this occurs, the parent then validates that
both children are upset and frustrated, normalize that this is normal
in friendships, and then try to get the children to appropriately talk
to one another about their feelings, and come up with a resolution.
These skills are not innate, but learned from parents and teachers,
both the point is that children need social skill training as much as
learning how to master academic material.
As mentioned earlier, the choice of friendships come from two areas:
previous experiences, good or negative; and the observation of how
their parents get along with each other and their adult friends.
Remember, children identify with their parents and idealize them and
their actions, we as adults are often guided to befriend certain
individuals who may not be very nice for wishes to “change them or make
them like us”. Children do the same thing. Making clear to children
what is important in a healthy friendship is also very important and
should be discussed early. Such characteristics should be:
- someone who really likes them for who they are
- has good morals and family values
- manages conflict in a reasonable fashion
- has the tendency to give and receive
- can tolerate ups and downs in a friendship
- has many commonalities, rather than differences with your child
When children, and adults, choose friends who are either too dissimilar
of too competitive and envious, the friendship will be continually
troublesome and may interfere with both your and your child’s self-esteem and
academic or occupational performance.
Despite the best efforts of parents to help foster healthy social
skills, some children may need an extra boost from an outside source.
Many schools have social skill groups conducted by school counselors
and many professionals have groups designed for such efforts. Check
with your child’s school for such groups and I have a list of referrals
on my website here on San Diego 6 for consideration if necessary.
Key Points:
- parents need to set the stage early for social skill interaction
- help your child and their play date learn how to play together
- help your child learn how to manage conflict resolution early in their development
- get your child to express their feelings in words with both you and their friends
- encourage friends who are more alike than different than your child to decrease competition
- model good reciprocal friendships in your lives for your child to observe
- get some outside help early if necessary.
 
Dr. Keith Kanner
l
Morning Show Host
Your Family Matters
XETV
l
Bay City Television
8253 Ronson Road, San Diego, CA 92111
San Diego Living Show
(:
(619) 261.2346
8:
Dr.Kanner@sandiego6.com
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About drkanner
Dr. Kanner is a Licensed Clinical Child, Adolescent, and Adult Psychologist and Psychoanalyst with a full time private practice in Rancho Santa Fe, California. He is also an Assistant Clinical Professor of Psychiatry in the School of Medicine at U.C. San Diego and a Clinical Instructor and Supervisor at the San Diego Psychoanalytic Society and Institute. Recently, he has become the Director of Clinical Counseling for La Jolla Country Day School and has been named to the National Board of Directors for KidsKorps, USA. He continues as a Consultant for many public and private schools in San Diego and has also received distinguished teaching awards over the past seven years. He is a published author and a sought after speaker on topics pertaining to childhood, adolescence, and parenthood. He is also presently writing a book for Fox based on his show, Your Family Matters.
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