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Watch Dr. Kanner discuss this topic on Monday, August 1st, @ 8:15am on San Diego6 - CW News In The Morning.
Background: If your family is like most, your children and
adolescents are still in a state of denial that school begins in about
three weeks from now. As parents however, you are ready for the summer
to end and excited about getting them back into structure yet you fear
their adjustment into a new year of academics and wonder if they are
prepared to manage the tasks ahead. Many parents avoid the concept of
talking to their children about a new school year for they fear putting
their children into bad moods and getting into a fight. On the other
hand, when parents do not approach talking about getting ready for
school and looking ahead to expectations for success, the avoided
conflicts tend to emerge shortly after school begins when problems may
already have arisen.
As with any transition, preparing ahead of time is always a good idea.
When situations are thought through, discussed, and planned for, there
tends to be less anxiety generated and a greater likelihood for
success. Young children in particular are not yet capable of thinking
in the abstract and plan ahead and need assistance in understanding
what is expected of them and how to reach their goals. Many times
parents place responsibilities on their children that they are not able
to developmentally manage which can set their child up for failure. The
responsibilities of school are common areas where parents either expect
their child to manage themselves or rely on the school to teach them
how to both organize and study.
Parents of both grade and middle school students need to sit down
with their children prior to each school year and discuss both
expectations and plans on how to help them succeed. Reviewing the
importance of school, your faith in their abilities to manage their
work, and discussing concepts such as studying, organization, and note
taking are all essential in making sure their child feels prepared.
Often times after such discussions, the parents and child determine
that there may be some areas that need some assistance and this can
then be provided which then serves to avoid a later problem. As I have
discussed in prior segments, self esteem is generated when the child
him of herself experiences success. When the child has the tools
necessary to manage their life, success is more likely.
Structure is also very important. Children and adolescents who have
a daily "routine" tend to do better academically and socially. For
example, it is always a good idea to have an after-school plan which
entails: 1) an after-school snack; 2) some time for play or sport; and
then 3) a scheduled homework time to be performed in a distraction-free
environment. Once homework has been completed, a "reward" time can be
offered to celebrate getting through their assignments after a long day
of school. When children have something to look forward towards, they
tend to feel less frustrated and seem more motivated.
For the high school student, who can think in the abstract and
hopefully understand that their success at this time of their academic
life will serve later goals, discussions are also necessary but
inquiring with them about how they plan to manage their school work
will make them feel as though you respect their intellect. If however,
you determine that they do not seem able to manage themselves well
enough, you will have to help them as well. Allowing children and
adolescents to "learn from their mistakes" is poor judgment on the part
of the parent for the child and adolescent is not yet mature enough to
manage their lives independently without parents.
A special consideration needs to be made for children who are also
starting a new school. Aside from preparing them for the academic tasks
ahead, care also needs to be made in terms of helping them adjust to a
new environment with new social and developmental challenges. Visiting
the new school prior to beginning the school year is always a good idea
even if the campus is empty of students. Here, your child can at least
get a feel for the new surroundings which will make them less anxious
once they arrive on the first day of school.
Key Points
1. discuss school beginning with your child now
2. review expectations for the year ahead of time
3. implement structure to help with success
4. make sure they have an academic plan and can perform the required tasks
5. get them some help if needed early
6. visit the school ahead of time if a new environment
 Dr.
Keith Kanner/ Morning Show Host
Your Family Matters
XETV Bay City Television
San Diego 6 News
San Diego Living Show
8253 Ronson Road, San Diego 92111
ph (619) 261-2346/ (858) 756-3050
drkanner@sandiego6.com
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Be sure to watch Dr. Kanner discuss this segment live this Monday,
July 28th @ 8:15am on Fox6 News In The Morning.
Note: This is the first of a 4-part Back To School Series for the month of August.
Background: One of the many critical parental decisions that
arise is the determination whether or not their child is ready to go to
Kindergarten. In most cases, the primary concern is age with anxiety
that perhaps their child is either too young or too old and a fear that
the decision will have future negative effects for their child. But
more important than age is a series of developmental achievements that
are necessary for a successful Kindergarten experience which far
outweigh the child's chronological age.
The six developmental areas that must be considered for "Kindergarten Readiness", aside from age, are as follows:
1. the child's capacity for self-control and emotional-regulation
2. the child's capacity to separate from their parents
3. the child's level of social relatedness
4. the child's understanding of morality
5. the child's level of fine and gross motor integration
6. intellectual capacity
Self-control & Emotional-Regulation: The Kindergarten- aged
child should be able to calm themselves down and self-soothe during
times of mild distress. This developmental achievement is one that is
typically the outcome of toddler-hood and is an essential milestone of
early childhood. This capacity does not mean that the child is free
from complete distress during anxious times, but is indicative of a
child who when faced with stress, internally goes into an automatic
state of emotional recovery and slowly overcomes their plight.
Capacity To Separate From Parents: The Kindergarten child needs
to be able to separate from their parents and last an entire day at
school. This process usually takes a week or two for most children to
be able to master for it is a significant transition from most
preschool and pre-kindergarten experiences, but the child needs to have
this degree of maturity in order to manage the time component of the
kindergarten year.
Social Relatedness: Sharing, taking turns, and being able to
sustain a short-term conversation are important social requirements for
kindergarden. Most children at this age are shifting from what is
termed parallel play to cooperative play and in order to be able to
participate in group activities the child must be able to also
compromise and be sensitive to others. Obviously, these social-skills
are enriched further in the kindergarten and grade school years.
Morality: Having a basic sense of right versus wrong and being
able to follow rules are key elements that are necessary for
kindergarten successfulness. Although the child's conscience is still
being formulated, by this time it should be becoming progressively
internalized and guide the child to make good decisions when faced with
dilemmas.
Fine & Gross Motor Integration: Being able to bounce a ball,
hold a pencil, be fully toilet trained during the day, and have average
balance and coordination are important areas of physical readiness for
the kindergarten-aged child. Many schools expect that the child can
also write their own name and have the ability to write letters and
shapes.
Intellectual Capacity: Average intelligence, knowledge of
shapes, letters, and sounds are frequent intellectual milestones that
many schools look for in their assessments. In addition, the child
should be shifting from magical to reality-based thinking as they are
entering the kindergarten year.
The consideration of these areas should be taken into serious
consideration by any parent before sending their child off to
kindergarten and far outweigh age in terms of whether or not the child
will have a successful year. Most educators and Psychologists believe
that children who fall on the borderline of age for kindergarten should
be encouraged to go forward if these developmental achievements have
been met. Keeping a child back when they have the developmental
maturity to succeed, unless some other special condition is present,
often leads to boredom and frustration and can additionally effect
self-esteem.
If concerns are still present, check with your local school
Principal for further assistance in assessment. Many schools have
certain measures that can be given to the child to help better
determine if they are ready for kindergarten or not.
Dr. Keith Kanner/ Morning Show Host
Your Family Matters
Fox 6 News/San Diego6-CW
San Diego Living Show
8253 Ronson Road, San Diego 92111
ph (619) 261-2346/ (858) 756-3050
drkanner@fox6.com
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Watch Dr. Kanner discuss this topic live this Monday on the New San Diego6-CW News In The Morning.
Background:
Questions, questions, and more questions. As parents, we become
bombarded with such as early as when our children begin to talk and
become more complex and personal as children move through the various
stages of development. At first, many questions are naive and are
based on gathering understandable facts about the world. These are the
easy "nuts" and "bolts" of helping children build their minds and are
needed for optimal development. But even the answers to these types of
questions need to be explained in ways that children can understand
your answers and must not be presented in ways that might cause them
anxiety or overwhelm them.
In other words, the key is to give them only enough information
to make them comfortable, but not to go beyond what they are able to
digest for this might backfire and create panic.
However, as children grow, their questions become much more personal about you,
not so much as an adult, but when you were a child and adolescent.
This is when it becomes very complicated. On the one hand, we want to
teach our children to tell the truth and be honest and have integrity.
But, on the other hand, children use their parents as frames of reference and as their models of how to be NOW and how NOT to be,
even when the adolescents are trying to differentiate themselves.
Examples of such complicated questions have to do with study habits,
grades, dating, sex, and use of alcohol and drugs. Get ready parents,
if this has not reached your dinner table, they will and you better be
prepared on how you will respond. In other words, think through your
beliefs, hopefully based on optimizing your child's development and
physical and psychological well being, and get ready for how to respond.
As children and adolescents, we have all made our mistakes and
hopefully learned from them. As parents, one of our basic jobs is to be
the best teacher to our children and much of this is based on our
mistakes that we experienced in our childhoods, otherwise history will
indeed repeat itself. In many cases, parents have been very open with
their children about the above types of questions - drugs, sex, etc.
and feel as though they tell them these things to "help" them avoid
making the "same mistakes" that they did as an adolescent.
Unfortunately, the results of such disclosures tend to be very mixed and air on more negative than positive. If you are fortunate enough to have a very mature adolescent, they are less likely to call you a
hypocrite when you tell them NOT to do something that you did at
their age, but remember, you are your child's model and even though
they may be trying to differentiate from you, they also want to be like
y! ou - yes, they love and respect you and see you now as a healthy
adult. You therefore are their window into the future and they will
internalize "well my mom turned out well as she used drugs when she was
in high school".
The problem however is that times have changed. Drugs types and
usage, teenage pregnancy, increased competition in getting into
colleges and much more has changed the world that we experienced when
we were in middle and high school, and our children need our protection
more than ever.
So, how can we protect, be honest, but not place ourselves in a
position where our children out of love for us, answer difficult
questions without placing ourselves in a hypocritical position? I had
a case a number of years ago where a single father thought that having
a few beers with his 15 year old son was a way to bond and become
closer and "friends". I warned the father that such a practice was
both illegal and a horrible idea for this could lead to further
problems for his son. In this particular case, the boys grades
suffered and he began using other recreational drugs. His father was
furious, but his son confronted him by stating, "if you were so worried
about me then why did you let me do it". The guilt then hit this
father and he decided that such openness was not in the best interest
of his child after all, but he could not erase what he had already done.
The "best interest of your child is the key here".
We want our children to be healthy, confident, and have solid
self-esteem and friendships along with good grades as they go through
the difficult years of adolescence. As their parents, we are the
gatekeepers and must present to them healthy choices irrespective of
what mistakes we made in our earlier years.
The answer is to keep the focus on them, not you. A
wonderful way to make a child or adolescent feel empowered when they
ask you a good question, is to tell them just that "That is a great
question you asked me". But, the answer you give must be based on two
things: 1) the question they are asking you is really about THEM, not
you, for it is a projection of their ideas; and 2) your job is to
protect them. Taken together then, the focus is on them and your
position on protecting them, based on your knowledge as an adult, not
an adolescent!
I had the father of one of my patients tell me how he tackled the sex
question with his 14 year old son. When his son asked him when he had
sex, this father stated: "great question and I am sure you are getting
exposed to all sorts of influences and stories these days. What a
tough place for you. I remember those days too. But, as your dad, I
want you to come to me with these questions and I will help you sort
them through. His son was persistent - "dad, when did you have sex for
the first time" - his father's wonderful response was, "it really
doesn't matter what I may or may not have done, we are talking about
you and I am on your team and I do not feel as though adolescents
should have sex until they are either at the end of high school or in
college for a number of reasons which he then described to his son.
Although he did NOT directly answer the question, he did not lie, he
just did not disclose for all of the reasons I have li! sted above,
His son was a bit angry that his dad did not discuss his history, but
it's better to have you child or adolescent angry with you, then engage
in something that could harm them. We all are used to our children
feeling ambivalent towards us, this is all being a part of a parent.
Therefore, no need to lie, just keep the focus on where it should be
them, not you.
Key Points:
1.Only give enough details to their questions to satisfy them
2.Your children always identify with you and will repeat your patterns
3.Too much personal disclosure causes more harm than good
4. Always keep the best interest of your children in mind
5. Keep the focus on them, NOT you - this is honest and not a lie
Dr. Keith Kanner/ Morning Show Host
Your Family Matters
Fox 6 News
San Diego Living Show
8253 Ronson Road, San Diego 92111
ph (619) 261-2346/ (858) 756-3050
drkanner@fox6.com
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Graduating & Leaving Home: Tips for Students & Their Parents:
I. Introduction:
Graduating from high school involves much more than just
finishing a grueling four years of hard work preparing for a movement
to college.
On graduation day, all high school seniors will not only receive
a much earned diploma, but will also graduate from one developmental
phase of life, Adolescence, to a new level, namely, Young Adulthood.
Each developmental stage involves tasks needed to complete in
order to move on to the next one, and then each new level offers
challenges and ideals.
Although most graduating seniors consciously feel
excited about the new
quests ahead and look forward to greater freedom, two very important
other emotions also manifest that are sometimes overshadowed by the
exciting ones.
These include mourning, or sadness, concerning the loss of familiar objects such as friends, school, home, and even parents, and then
anxiety about new challenges and changes just ahead in the Fall.
The degree to which each individual experiences, contemplates,
and talks through these emotions, the smoother the transition to
college and Young Adulthood.
II. Excitement:
Each graduating student should feel very proud of him or herself
from making it through one of the most difficult phases in his or her
lives.
Not only have each of them experienced challenging academia, but
have also been introduced to other important life-skill attributes such
as cultural awareness, character differences, individual thinking, and
I hope, compassion for others.
Taken together, these fundamentals have fortified each with
plenty of internal resources to succeed beyond high school and is why
many, if not most of are much looking forward to going off to college
in the fall and feel very confident about the road ahead.
III.
Mourning or Sadness:
On the other end of the spectrum are normal feelings of sadness about leaving familiar friends and conditions.
You and your friends have been partners together over the last four years, or longer,
and many of you feel closer to your friends then your parents.
Therefore, leaving for college involves not only leaving “home”
but also your friends and daily comfortable activities that you have
been able to master and use to help keep you centered on a daily basis.
Comparing crazy parents, nagging siblings, ridiculous rules, and
helping each other cope with the difficult balance of school and a
social life have been daily endeavors that have solidified an identity
that has been both successful yet familiar.
IV.
Anxiety:
Fear of the unknown is the basic premise of the graduating Senior and incoming Freshman going off to college.
Leaving the comforts of home including conditions such as cooked meals,
a laundry service, a familiar and
comfortable room and surroundings, predictable family and school
conditions, although never perfect, are routine and accountable.
Going off to college represents for many the first experience of
being away from home for any extended period of time and involves
having to independently manage everything from school to socialization
without one’s parent being available in person to help. To complicate matters further, aside
from having to become one’s own independent manager, the task is also
conducted in a new and unfamiliar environment.
For example, many Seniors will be attending college on the east
coast having to adjust to a very different climate as well as all of
the other novelties that college will offer.
Fear, homesickness, and sometimes even second thoughts about going off to college are all normal reactions to this process.
The students who have had successful experiences with
independence, self management, and personal successfulness, tend to be
less anxious than those who have struggled to self-manage their high
school lives.
II. Preparing To Leave:
When
the following criteria are considered ahead of time, the adaptation
process to college tends to proceed as well as possible when compared
to others who do not think through the important changes ahead.
a. Anticipating Change:
Thinking ahead to how to manage greater independence and self-reliance is essential for leaving and adapting to college.
Contemplating everything from how to get oneself up in the
morning for an early class, to doing laundry, and balancing a social
life with studying
are very important mental exercises to consider before even setting foot onto campus.
Obviously, once at college these activities become incorporated
into a routine, but it does not hurt to think about such events over
the summer to get prepared.
b. Anticipate Homesickness:
Even though many are “ready to leave” and may even be counting
the days, any new situation brings back fond memories of the old days
at home and at school.
It may take as long as six months to fully adjust to the novelty
of a new campus, classes, and routines, and frequent calls or even
visits home during the first year of college are expected.
Arranging on how to keep in touch with old friends, asking your
parents not to give away your room, and bringing important tokens from
home are all ways to manage missing home and familiarity.
c. Learn How To Manage New Tasks:
The summer before college is a good time to brush up on activities that one may not be familiar in doing, such as laundry.
There is no shame in asking mom or even your housekeeper to give
you the basics in separating whites from colors and even learning some
basic cooking skills if you plan to keep a microwave in your dorm room.
Also, if you feel as though you may need some study skill
assistance, many graduating seniors seek some consultation over the
summer to prepare for college-level note taking and test preparation.
d. Arrange Your Finances:
This is the time to sit down with your parents and work out how
money is going to be managed while you are going to be in college.
Moving your checking account to a branch in the city of your new
college is always a good idea when it comes to cashing checks and
getting money directly from the bank.
Talk with your parents about also having a credit card to help
with big purchases, such as books, and also think about some sort of
budget.
Parents appreciate when their children approach them with some
sort of initial plan of how much money they think they may need on a
weekly or monthly basis.
e. Give Yourself Time To Adjust:
The hardest part about the first year of college is NOT
typically the academics, but the environmental adjustment to being away
from home.
Alternating feelings of excitement mixed with some sadness and
some mild anxiety are the common feelings experienced during Freshman
year.
When one does not prepare for these experiences and manage them
well-enough, conditions such as excessive drug and alcohol usage, poor
or failing grades, and general unhappiness can occur.
In the most extreme cases, some Freshman end up dropping out for
they were not psychologically or physically prepared for the many
changes that college introduces.
f. A Note About Your Parents and Siblings:
If your parents are like most, they are having a reaction to you leaving as well.
Most parents are both proud or your accomplishments, yet sad that you will be going away.
After all, they have been living with you for the past 17 to 18 years, and your absence will be noticed on a daily basis.
Do not be surprised if your parents also fluctuate from being
happy to moody as they too are making internal adjustments to your
upcoming departure.
In many cases, the leaving college student often has to reassure
their parents that everything is going to be fine and that they will
see you during the holidays.
Allowing them to help you initially set up your dorm room is a
way to also help them adjust to the change and accept your leaving.
Regarding your siblings, they will probably be ambivalent.
On the one hand, they have had their eye on your room for the past year or so, but on the other, they will also miss you.
After all, with you gone, they now become the focus of your parents!
Dr. Keith Kanner
Host
Your Family Matters Show
Fox6 News
San Diego Living Show
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Background: In just over a month's time, thousands of recent
high school graduates will be leaving the comfort of their childhood
homes embarking onto a new college campus which will become his or her
new home for the next four or so years. The college freshman has
"officially" shifted from adolescence to adulthood and is now faced
with new and different tasks than they experienced during the years of
high school. Greater independence, self-responsibility, emotional
maturity, and new and different social challenges are all
simultaneously introduced which can be exciting for some, but
overwhelming for others depending upon both the personality and
previous experiences of the individual. Perhaps the most significant
difference is that all of these new experiences are withstood without
the comfort of their parents being close by for supervision and daily
consultation. Despite high school being a time of greater independence
and favored auton! omy from parents and although most have an
internalized feeling of security and endurance, college introduces new
and different experiences from any of the previous years. For example,
college freshman are required to get themselves up every morning;
schedule and manage their courses; do their own laundry; manage their
own finances; set their own curfew; have a study schedule; balance a
social and academic life; stay in shape; and contemplate their
futures. Although exciting, the management of these tasks can also be
stressful.
Research indicates that the most difficult aspect of the freshman year
is not so much the academic challenges, but the adaptation to living in
a new environment away from home. The highest college drop out rate in
college is during this first year as well as the greatest incidents of
mental illnesses including depression and anxiety disorders. Physical
illness is also greatest during this first year as well. The freshman
year may be considered a mini rite of passage whereby the years
following this one tend to be calmer and more enjoyable. This can be
understood as due to experience and adaptation.
However, precautionary measures can be taken ahead of time to help the
new freshman better adapt to this challenging year. Parents who assist
their children in early preparation for the upcoming change have a
significant impact on how their child will adapt to both leaving home
and getting settled at college. In fact, and not surprising, the
better prepared, the less likely the student will flounder once away
from the familiarity of home.
The following are suggestions to help the college-bound freshman to best adapt to college life:
1. During high school, teach and encourage independent skills such
as doing laundry; minor cooking; self-waking; balancing checkbooks; and
setting up their own appointments. Senior year of high school is a
wonderful opportunity to become used to more independent tasks while
still in the comfort of having parents close by for consultation and
guidance.
2. Visit the college campus ahead of time. Taking a tour of the
campus and living conditions over the summer and perhaps even sit in on
a few classes, gives the new freshman a sense of what it will be like
for them in the Fall.
3. Talk to upper class people about the college experience. When the
new college freshman talks to other students from their school about
classes, teachers, and college life, many questions are answered
beforehand and relieve anxiety.
4. Discuss and plan finance ahead of time. Parents need to talk about
money, budgeting, and expenses well in advance giving the student some
time to get used to how they will pay for things and manage money. It
is always suggested, at least during the first year, that the parents
work together with their child to assure that they are comfortable with
money and managing it well.
5. Don't give away their room at home. Although college is their
"new" home, the freshman will be mourning the loss of their parents and
familiar home life. Being able to come home over the holidays and
staying in their childhood room gives them a sense of security and
comfort which is very important during this first year away from home.
6. Make home visits easy. Having a plane ticket on hand as well as
more frequent visits during the freshman year helps with the transition
from home to college. Many college freshman need to "check in" with
their parents during this significant year of change.
7. Go visit them. Plan a few trips if possible to visit them between
major vacations. This assures them that you are invested in them
despite them being away from home. These visits also give you a chance
to see how they seem to be managing themselves and to make some
suggestions if necessary.
8. Telephone often. During the first year, frequent contact with
parents is common. In fact, many parents are amazed on how during high
school they did not talk much with their child, but now, once in
college, the frequency of talking increases indicating that they need
your support and comfort. Make having a cell phone or land line easy
for them to have.
9. Help them get settled. Be sure to both help them pack and gather
supplies for the year and their rooms and escort them to the college
campus in the fall. Most college freshman welcome the help of their
parents during this transition and will let you know when they are
ready for you to leave - usually after a few hours.
10. Encourage them to get help if they are in trouble. Most colleges
have counseling centers which have therapists who have experience with
transitional anxiety experienced by incoming freshman. Often getting
some support and help early in the college experience speeds up the
adaptation to college life which can positively effect the years to
come.
In most cases, after some normal bumps during the first year of
college, the student adapts to their new developmental phase of life
and actually enjoys coming home for visits with their families. In
fact, many parents revel in the fact that the adolescent years are
finally over and their son or daughter has evolved into a healthy
adult. They may actually help you do the dishes and ask YOU how your
day was.
Dr. Keith Kanner
Host
Your Family Matters Show
Fox6 News - San Diego
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A very important topic for all families to consider. Watch Dr. Kanner's award winning show this Monday, July 7th @ 8:15am on Fox6 News In The Morning and the New CW-San Diego6.
Busy schedules, duel
incomes, resistances of adolescents to talk to their parents about
their lives, and many other entities, have frequently led many families
to abandon the old tradition of family dinners. I'm sure many of you
can remember how some of the most valuable bonding time in a family was
accomplished during such dinners, and in fact I can remember which food
my mother used to cook which led me to either look forward to the past
time or try to find a way to state that I had too much homework to eat!
The truth however is that in most families these days, the only time a
family can be together and actually visit is during a meal. I can
remember that some of the most humorous times during one of my favorite
childhood shows, The Brady Bunch, was the information that was
generated during dinner conversations. Granted, the Brady Bunch was
not what most of us experience during family dinners, in fact just the
opposite. These days, depending upon the age of your children, if they
are over the age of 6, they really do not want to talk much about their
days and adolescents will "take the 5th" and basically remain silent
and may even wear their i-pod during the meal. Understandably, most
parents feel frustrated and try to generate conversation out of
interest and love for their children only to be rejected and hurt.
This can then lead to arguments, groundings, of even a decision to just
forget about the family dinner idea altogether, but then the pare! nt
and child alike feel left abandoned and apart from one another. If you
are fortunate enough to have a child under the age of 5, they love to
talk and could easily take over the dinner conversation all by
themselves, but then the older kids will roll their eyes and want to be
excused.
So what can families these days do to reinstate the traditional family
dinner tradition in an attempt to make it beneficial for all? I've had
many parent share with me the idea of "taking turns" talking about
their day, but if you have an adolescent in your home, the common
response is "pass". If you have a child between the ages of 7 and 11,
the common language used to "describe their day at school" is "fine"
without any details whatsoever. This is typically when most parents
then try to pry open their minds only to find that their child has
managed to "crazy glue" their mouth's shut! The 5 and under ones
however love when this happens for they are then center stage and love
the limelight and could talk or ask questions for the entire dinner
hour causing joy for the parents, but fury for the other children. Who
said sitcoms really represent reality in a household - "The Brady Bunch
Effect".
The typical situation I have described is normal and is frustrating
for every loving and caring parent for they want to know how their
children are doing and want to be helpful. Even the best parent cannot
read their child's mind, so we need information from them to assess how
they are doing. Report cards, progress reports, and other external
means of information are helpful in knowing how a child is managing
themselves as well as observing whether or not they are socializing and
invested in activities, such as sports or arts, but, hey, we all want
to hear it from the "horses mouth!". Unless you have a very mature
child, all parents have to be more cleaver in how to get their child or
adolescent to talk! Here are some of the basic ways to ease the
tension around dinner time.
Key Points:
1. Have a family dinner time and mandate it at least 3 days a week. Here, you at least have their attention and you as the parent are mandating the importance of "family".
2. Prepare meals that the children enjoy. This may be
difficult if you have children at different ages, but it is worth the
effort. If kids enjoy what they eat, they will be in a better mood.
Obviously, make it healthy and stay away from junk food items.
3. Be in a good mood yourself. Begin by talking about
your day and share some experiences with your significant other if you
have one to get the ball rolling. You could even consider making an
agenda with your partner ahead of time covering topics which entail
topics having to do with feelings - happy, sad, frustrating, etc. to
help model the importance of sharing and talking. Do not however use
this time to discuss misgivings about your children, for they will
retreat immediately. Save those times for private moments.
4. Do NOT interrogate them with questions, such as "how was your day", for the over 6 year olds. Instead, bring up some
neutral topics at the table, such as the Padres; Chargers;
Election issues; our great team here at Fox6 moving to CW6 next month
(lol); current events; things you have read about in the paper about
important issues but being careful NOT to bring up any topic that might
be too much for your younger children to comprehend; upcoming family
vacations, etc. This
"indirect manner" will often ease your tweens and teens to
chime in for "they have opinions", often the opposite of yours, but
that is normal developmentally, and can lead to, I hope, a rich
conversation.
5. Consider inviting their friends to some of your dinners.
Tween and Teen guests will often share all sorts of information with
you that your own children will not because you are NOT their parent.
With such friends, you CAN ask them questions about school, friends,
etc. and they are more likely to answer, because they are not in the
process of having to prove their independence to you, and you can find
out a lot about school, friends, etc. Be careful however to NOT ask
them any questions about YOUR child in private for you will pay the
price with your own child for prying.
In summary, what you are doing with this mandate is reinforcing the
notion of "family" despite developmental changes and communicating that
you are interested in your child irrespective of what they might be
going through. Such a tradition will then likely be passed down to
their generation and hopefully the next. As I have talked about
before, we need to get back to the basics by instilling family values
in our children and dinnertime may be the only time that a family can
be in the same place at the same time.
Try these techniques out at home and let me know how it plays itself
out by contacting me here @ Fox6. Also, if you have some other success
stories, please share them with me as well so I can pass them along to
other parents (with your permission only) so we can all try to be
better parents.
Dr. Keith Kanner/ Morning Show Host
Your Family Matters
Fox 6 News
San Diego Living Show
8253 Ronson Road, San Diego 92111
ph (619) 261-2346/ (858) 756-3050
drkanner@fox6.com
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A very important topic for all families with children! Watch Dr. Kanner dicuss this one live on Monday morning, June 30th @ 8:15.
Although George Carlin
was a brilliant man and fabulous comedian, his views on the
"normalization" of profanity is one area of his reasoning that I must
respectively disagree as I would assume most, if not all, mental health
experts would agree. The use of profanity has always been prohibited
in schools, camps, sports clubs, and all organizations that work with
youths, and for very good reasons. Most parents also do not let their
children "swear" for they intuitively know that it is not in their
child's best interests and can lead to all sorts of future problems.
When children are allowed to use "swear" words, they know within their
minds that it is wrong and that they are breaking a rule. Most healthy
children then feel bad when they break rules and then unconsciously
punish themselves in a variety of ways for not "doing what they are
taught to do" by their parents, teachers, coaches, etc. The common
term of "negative attention" can be applied to this concept. Aside
from breaking a rule, the content of such "words" can also lead to
greater impulsiveness, over-stimulation, and also lead to fighting
within the household and on the playground. Such swearing can also
become infectious in that other children, due to wishing to be
accepted, will adopt such terminology and the plot thickens.
However, beneath each use of such words are obvious feelings and
thoughts which are important for parents to try to understand and help
their children feel comfortable with, not guilty about. For example,
when a child uses an "angry" swear word, they are expressing anger or
frustration. On the other hand, a "sexualized" term may indicate
questions about sexuality and be an indication that they may have some
questions or anxieties about such topics.
Therefore, it is important for parents to intervene in two ways when their children swear.
Before setting a limit or punishing them, first try to listen to
the content of their choice of words and ask yourself what they might
be feeling and thinking. Second, it is important that the parent then
validates the feeling. Third, try to help your child get to the bottom
of what is either bothering them or what might be on their minds.
Finally, the helpful parent needs to set limits on the use of such
words with "helpful" contingencies, and encourage the child to use
"more appropriate" words to express their feelings. The basic idea
behind this technique if not to instill guilt over their feelings, but
to help them learn how to accept, manage, and express them in
appropriate manners. When this is successfully accomplished, the child
feels supported, protected, and validated for their feelings which then
reduces self-punishment (I.e. ! negative attention) and other forms of
behavioral or psychological problems.
The use of swear words also allows the parent to educate them about the
potential contents that our on their minds which also lessens anxiety.
For example, most children between the grades of 4th and 6th, begin to
use all sorts of sexualized terms and frequently take the terms too
far. This is an indication that as "Tweens", their bodies are changing
and they are starting to feel new sensation which are new, exciting,
and also perhaps anxiety-provoking. When parents hear these types of
terms, the door becomes open to approach them with opportunities to
discuss puberty, questions about topic such as masturbation, etc. Once
again, behind every expression of profanity are feelings, thoughts, and
perhaps some anxiety about what is going on inside of their minds.
Just punishing them for what they state, misses the opportunity to help
them learn about themselve! s, others, and how to better tolerate and
express strong feeli! ngs.&nbs p; When parents approach profanity
from this complex perspective, they are doing what all parents should
be doing - parenting, and your children will surely benefit from your
investment in them.
Key Points:
1. Profanity is an expression of strong feelings and thoughts.
2. Parents need to try to understand what is behind the terms they are using.
3. Opportunities are them evident to teach them about their questions.
4. Set limits on such terms, but encourage the expression of the feelings in appropriate words.
5. When children are allowed to "break rules", they feel bad about
themselves and may go into a self-punishing mode behaviorally,
academically, or otherwise.
Dr. Keith Kanner/ Morning Show Host
Your Family Matters
Fox 6 News
San Diego Living Show
8253 Ronson Road, San Diego 92111
ph (619) 261-2346/ (858) 756-3050
drkanner@fox6.com
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Don't miss this one! Watch Dr. Kanner talk about how children understand time at different levels of development and much differently than adults this Monday, June 23rd @ 8:15am on Fox6 News In The Morning
Background:
As parents, have you ever noticed how depending upon the age of your
child, discussing time issues can be both confusing and frustrating?
One of the easiest mistakes as adults is the assumption that children
understand time in the same manner as we do. Even more confusing is
that as they mature, time is then managed in a different fashion and it
is easily then misunderstood that the child is now being "better
behaved", rather than his or her brain maturing to the level of being
able to tolerate and process information in a more formalized manner.
Therefore, it is no surprise when our children, depending upon his
or her age, do not necessarily cooperate with our requests for
compliance to perform tasks in the same way we might like them to or
react to other issues relating to time like having to wait a while for
a treat. For example my 7 year old son becomes very frustrated with me
whenever I cannot do something with him at a particular time on a
particular day. Just last weekend, we discussed building a go-cart
together for a fun father-son project and he expected in his mind that
this was going to happen "just then". When I explained to him that I
had to do a little research on go-carts, safety, and where to get
one,his immediate comment, based on feeling excited and then frustrated
(normal for a 7 year old) was "this is never going to happen". Even
with my detailed explanation of the process of research, searching, and
buying, in the mind of a 7 year old, "today is the day".
My 5 year old is a completely different story. Still living part
time in the wonderful world of magical thinking, time for him is filled
with fantasy and excitement and when something does not happen
immediately, his fantasy life keeps the wish perpetual. For example,
he loves gardening with me, which he would do 24/7, but when I cannot
at that moment, his magical mind cannot separate one day from the other
and therefore our fun activity stays alive in fantasy and buys me some
time.
Now, my almost 10 year old daughter is completely different. She
has has the cognitive (thinking) capacity to not only tell time, but
also to think both in the past and a little into the future, so she is
then able to better tolerate frustration better than my 7 year
old(which is still tough for any children!).
Such examples, which I am sure many of you can relate to, are not
behavioral issues per se, but based on what a child is functionally
able to do based on their age and level of development. It is true
that some children mature faster than others, but in most cases,
cognitive (thinking) and emotional (feeling) development changes over
time based on physiological, and neurological maturation. Often times,
when parents come to visit me, they are happy to hear that what their
child is doing or saying is absolutely "normal" for where they are
developmentally and it was a good idea to check it out before assuming
that their child was having some sort of a psychological problem. In a
nutshell, we cannot expect a child to perform a task if their mind and
body are not yet capable. We can see then how when some parents do not
understand the normality of certain concepts, they may respond to their
children in ways which could do more harm than good.
Back to the time issue with children for example, as indicated in
my personal stories, children under the age of 4 view time in magical
ways. They do not know how to tell time and time is very grandiose.
As parents, this is helpful for 30 minutes of our time with a 4 year
old feels almost like forever and is held in fantasy for quite awhile.
Playing a game in the park for 30 minutes feels like a day with a
parent for many 4 and under children.
Over 5 however, due to maturation and education, these folks are
beginning to tell time and are moving away from the magical thinking of
the earlier level of children and living in the "here and now",
something that we Psychologists call "Concrete Operations", which is a
fancy word for thinking in the present and almost living in the moment.
This has positive and negative effects - on the positive side, they
can take some responsibility for managing some basic activities that
they are in the process of completing and have a very limited capacity
to remember details of the past. The bad news is that they cannot
think in the abstract and struggle when put into a position of having
to delay something planned ahead. This then causes frustration and
grief sometimes for the entire family.
The good news is that as children mature, such as with my almost
10 year old daughter, she is beginning to abstract and also think in
the past with greater ease which then tempers her frustration when she
might have to wait for a wished for activity. This process of
abstraction matched with the increased capacity to think in the past
increases through the adolescent years and so on. It also helps that
they can tell time.
These time realities must be taken in consideration by all parents
to help them better understand what their child is truly able to
comprehend or not and applied to all aspects of their child's life of
both parties, the child and the parent alike, will feel frustrated and
misunderstood. The ages where most parents seem to struggle the most
is with the school age children getting them ready for school, getting
them to bed, and holding them accountable for activities that are in
the future. Remember, they are only thinking "right now". If we apply
this concept to bedtime, which might be in 15 minutes, the parent then
needs to alert the child that the clock is ticking in order to help
them to prepare for that less desired moment. This process helps move
the school-age child into thinking a little ahead and also reduces
impending frustration. I even suggest considering a count down
regiment rather than a timer because timers cannot talk. Such a
technique, when used with a soft and empathic tone, can help the parent
of the school aged child to tolerate their frustration "times" much
easier which is helpful to all in the household.
Key Points:
1. Children perceive time differently depending upon their age.
2. Often times, developmental milestones can explain struggles rather than assuming psychological problems.
3. Parents need to understand differences in time processing when talking with their children
4. Never assume that your child understands time in the same way that you do.
Dr. Keith Kanner/ Morning Show Host
Your Family Matters
Fox 6 News
San Diego Living Show
8253 Ronson Road, San Diego 92111
ph (619) 261-2346/ (858) 756-3050
drkanner@fox6.com
|
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Be sure to come meet all of us here @ Fox6 tonight at the STAR PARTY @ Sea World.
Watch Dr. Kanner this Monday, June 16th @ 8:15am on Fox6 News In The Morning discuss this important topic. Don't miss it!
Background: This past week a
mother called to schedule an appointment with me based on her 15 year
old daughter stealing money out of her purse which had become a
increasing habit over the past few months. She went on to tell me that
she then used the money to shop for stylish clothing in order to feel
at par with the "popular" girls at her school who were furiously
teasing her for wearing non-label, regular clothing, and excluding her
from a variety of activities. In fact, she was even called "gay" and
told that boys would never like her for the types of clothing she wore
to school in the mornings. To make matters even worse, many of the
boys also would not talk with her and called her a "tomboy" because she
was not wearing clothing that would show off her cleavage and
tight-enough jeans that they could see her behind. Along with the
clothing, then came the accessories - cell phones, designer purses; di!
amond earring, make-up, multiple ear piercings; and many other very
"sexualized" ornaments. Her mother felt both angry and guilty. On the
one hand, this is a true "down to earth mother", a woman who is
well-educated, has strong moral, and is trying to teach her daughter
that the most important part of a person is what is in the inside, not
the outside - to be nice, caring, educated, and respect values, morals,
and the rights of others. She told me that she obviously did not dress
her child in rags and non-stylish clothing, it merely did not have the
"labels" on the clothing identifying it as being "expensive" and that
this seemed to be what these other girls were focusing on. On the
other hand, the mother felt awful that her daughter was suffering and
felt guilty that she was not "conforming" to the standards that these
"so-called" popular girls were professing. Aside from the stealing of
money, she told me that her daughter was not doing as we! ll in school
as she had been this year - falling from all As t! o As, Bs , and Cs,
and that she felt she may be depressed. I told her to please bring in
her daughter as soon as possible.
Alexa presented as a bright, attractive, yet sad 15 year old young lady
who felt embarrassed to have to come talk to a shrink. She told me
that the last person she felt she would need to talk to was someone
like me because up until middle school, she felt like "everyone else".
Over the years however, she described feel often excluded from certain
girls groups for not wearing such expensive designer clothes and for
not watching the "popular television shows", such as "America's Next
Top Model", "Dancing With The Stars", and "The Bathelorette" all of
which she described these girls were attempting to emulate. She began
to cry as she told me how guilty she felt about stealing money from her
beloved mother, but she knew, and agreed with her mother and father's
standards about being an individual and unique and not having to "put
on a show for other's acceptances". But, she also told me that she
wanted to fit in, be accepted, have boys like her, and move a! head as
an adolescent. She was tired and saddened about being called a
Lesbian, a nerd, having girls pull at her blouse and look for a certain
label and then ridicule her for being "poor". Ironically, her family
is nothing but the opposite, Her father is a respected and successful
professional and her mother both is a successful health care advocate
and a wonderful mother of three. It is not about the money, it is
about the message. "Be yourself, love yourself, love others, be a good
person, learn as much about the world as you can, be a good friend,
have empathy for others, and forgive others for their misfortunes".
Alexa's conflict was about these opposing forces within her mind.
Morally agreeing with her parents, but also wanting to be expected by
her peers, and as an adolescent her job is to move into independence
and try to get along with her peer groups. But at what cost? Her
morals, values, self-esteem? I asked her what perce! nt of the girls in
her grade were like these mini-Paris Hilton! s and sh e told me an
amazing 70 percent! I became very sad and worried at this moment as I
am always being asked why are the kids today so "messed up", and now I
have to include the "Materialistic Movement" into the list of unhealthy
influences on children. She told me that all of this has caused her to
feel as though she does not really know who she is anymore or what she
should be - that the present influences in public school are very
different from solid healthy values - this has made her sad, depressed,
and feeling very guilty.
In psychoanalysis, we use a technique called countertransference as one
of our therapeutic tools. Countertransference, as opposed to
transference, are the feeling, thoughts, and memories that come into
our minds about the material that our patients tell us. We then use
this information to better connect to our patient's experiences and
better help us develop empathy, compassion, and devise our treatment
plans to decrease their suffering. Her story brought me back to my
childhood being brought up by parents very similar to hers. My parents
were very humble and were very careful not to overdue what they bought
for me or allowed me to be boastful or mean to other children. When I
was teased about something, whether it be a non-designer type of
clothing or when allowed to drive not at 16 back then, but 17, I was
allowed to use my mother's 10 year old golden four-door Ford Granada
which was what I drove to high school as my first car - I did eventual!
ly convince her to buy a Firebird and waxed it every week for her and
eventually convinced her by the end of my senior year of high school
that it was "too sporty" for her and managed to inherit it before I
left for college. But, it was my father's advice - "It doesn't matter
what other people think, it is who you believe you are and the choices
YOU make. If you are a good person, do good things, study hard, have a
positive attitude, then it really doesn't matter what any bully might
tell you, because you are a good person and good things happen to good
people". His words sunk in and I became an advocate in high school
about accepting everyone as an individual and promoted equality and
decreased the concept of entitlement and pathological narcissism. I
carried this concept into my person and professional life and such
beliefs are central to our show here on Fox6.
Back to Alexa, her story combined with my associations to her words
helped me both understand how she was feeling, generated compassion and
allowed me to help begin to help her work through her conflicts between
her family's values and the so-called values of a select group of
peers, which appears quite large these days.
I believe this story is a good representation of what is happening in
the society of a large number of our youth these days. Many have
evolved from rather reaching within to discover knowledge, change, and
make the world a better place to live fueled by the addition of healthy
family values to one filled with too much competition, envy, and a
general lack of consideration for fellow man. I do not mean to imply
that everyone is this way, and in fact, I think just the opposite, but
their are enough that fall into this category that confuses many
healthy children who are in the process of trying to become
individuals, naturally separate from their families in order to become
their own individual who are then drawn into these senarios in order to
establish thi s quest and be accepted into some sort of a peer group.
The problem here however, is the health of the peer group one is
affiliating with and if it is one which follows the values of
superiority, entitlem! ent, over-sexuality, and even the normalization
of drugs and alcohol to "be cool", we have a big problem on our hands
and it is the responsibility of us, the adults, parents, professionals,
teachers, clergy, coaches, and many other "mature" and "healthy" adults
to go back to the basics of helping children early in their development
and throughout childhood to be kind, compassionate, focus on education,
practice and reinforce healthy family values, and talk with your
children when they are not being a considerate, honest, compassionate,
and reasonable individual. This is our job - parenting and intervening
as mature adults rather than leave the "mean girls" on the playground
to hurt our children for all of this will be internalized and passed
along to the next generation and the next and then we are all going to
be in real trouble.
Key Points:
1. Teach and reinforce family values early in development.
2. Do not let your children emotionally or physically hurt another person.
3. Resist over-indulgence - this breeds entitlement and aggression
4. Call your children out when they are acting inappropriate
5. Watch what you expose them to - television and otherwise
6. Set healthy examples and practice what you state
Your Family Matters has been developed to help families live happier
and healthier lives. But I need your help to take these messages and
apply them in each and every household.
God Bless.
Dr. Keith Kanner
Host
Your Family Matters Show
Fox6 News
San Diego Living Show
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Watch Dr. Kanner discuss this topic on Monday, June 9th @ 8:15am on Fox6 News In The Morning.
Background: With
summer just around the corner, a wonderful opportunity becomes
available for time spent with children without the battles of homework
and organized sports tainting the air. It is true that as working
parents, we will still have ongoing commitments, but our children will
be looking for our investment in their interests, ideas, and
activities. For many parents, this may catch them off guard as we are
used to being put aside due to our children's busy schedules, or they may not make the time to play with their children because they are not sure what type of play is best.
For 8 year-old Tom, his life is relatively typical for a boy
his age. He goes to school, plays many sports, has a number of
collections, and has friends. He shares his experiences openly with
his mother, Gloria, who seems engaged and connected to him which makes
Tom feel much loved and secured by his mother's attachment to him. On
the other hand, his relationship with his father, Bill, is strained and
distant. Although Tom's father does not
have to travel much
with his job and is home most evenings before Tom and his sister go to
bed, a disconnect, or lack of connection is evident between Tom and his
father leaving this boy feeling disappointed and saddened by the
present relationship he has with his father.
Bill, Tom's father states openly that he "loves being a father", but
will also state that it has also been stressful for him. For one
thing, it has been a struggle for him balancing time for himself with
time spent with his children. Bill has a 40+ hour per week occupation
and by the end of the day is understandably tired. When he walks in
the door at home at the end of the day, both Tom and his sister smother
him and want his undivided attention for they have missed him during
the day. This puts Bill in a bind; he is tired and stressed, but also
feels as though he should spend some time with his children. The
result is strained interaction which leaves Tom feeling bad that he has
annoyed his father. Another variable which makes it difficult for Bill
to interrelate with Tom is a feeling as though he cannot understand
Tom's experiences based on his young age. "It's really hard to
understand an 8-year old for me. I look forward to when he is older so
he can talk to me more like an adult."
Terri is a full time mother
who also has an internet clothing business. Often time, she is busy
trying to make sales while her two children play aimlessly around the
house. Often times, they hurt each other or fight like wild dogs which
drives Terri crazy. When the behaviors become extreme, she then puts
down her computer and begins to discipline the children which makes
them stop. She then returns to her computer and the fights continue.
This is a good example of what I call "Arm Chair Parenting" and is a
doomed to fail. What Terri does not realize is that her children are
showing her their anger for her lack of investment in their lives. As
small children, they are not internally aware that they are feeling sad
and ignored by their mother, but internally, they feel sad and
externalize their feelings by fighting as an unconscious attempt to ask
their mother to play with them. Obviously , Terri needs to fulfill
her obligations for her job, but just like we explain to our children,
their is a time for work, and a time for play. This adage applies to
adults just as much as children. In all liklihood, if Terri were to
pick up on her children's cues, and began to play with them for awhile,
or make special time to do so, her children would feel satisfied and
calm down. Once engaged in some other structured or fun activity,
Terri could then return to her computer.
The above vignette s
are common stor ies for many families in that the task of parenting can be both the most rewarding, yet stressful expe rience
for many adults. Becoming a parent is a developmental achievement for
adults that shifts them into a more advanced level of development
filled with challenges and tasks. Many adults will express that having
a child is the single most remarkable experience in life and immerse
themselves in the process, while others feel pleased with the process,
but struggle with both the stresses and capacity to understand
what goes on in the minds of children and adolescents and how important they are in learning about life, themselves, and the world around them.
For the child, having an invested, loving, understanding, and
available parent contributes to both an internalized sense of love and
confidence as well as becomes a marker for premier psychological
functioning and success in the future. For both boys and g irls, the
relationship they have with the same-sex parent also is significant in
the establishment of gender identity and interpersonal or social
performance for this parent is their ideal as to what they aspire to be
like inn future years. In other words, this parent becomes the "hero"
for the child. Therefore, when the relationship is strained or
distanced, the effect can be detrimental to the child.
Many parents do not understand how their interaction, attitude, and
investment in their children serves as the most vital predictors for
their child's psychological development and future success. Many rely
too heavily on schools and other external avenues to help their child
mature and grow. The truth, however, is that
the relationship with the parents is the single most important
relationship and learning opportunity for any child and will have a
significant impact on both the child's everyday life as well as molding
their personality overe the years as they become independent adults.
The old adage "parenting is the toughest job in the world" is a truism
as well as the one stating that "parenting is the most rewarding exper ience
in the world" as parents experience their offspring blossom ad become
self-functioning. Taking both of these into consideration, the more
that the parent can learn about child and adolescent development, the
uniqueness of their child, and try to connect themselves to their child
through each stage of their development, the outcome for both the child
and parent alike is optimal and rewarding.
To provide for this opportunity, however, certain measures must be considered:
1. Familiarize yourself with child and adolescent development.
There are various books available for parents on all aspects on each
stage of development, such as the series of developmental books through
the American Academy of Pediatrics and ones published by T. Barry
Brazelton and Peneloppe Leach.
2. Make an effort to get to know your child. Look at their artwork,
read their stories, attend school-related activities, and ask them
about their interests and let them teach you things.
3. Make time to spend time alone with them apart from other children
and your spouse. Children love one-on-one time with a parent for they
do not have to share any attention.
4. Take care of yourself. Each parent needs to balance self-care
with caring for their child. The healthy adult who can take care of
both their own physical and psychological needs is both more capable of
giving more to their children as well as setting an important model for
healthy adult development. If Bill, for example, in the vignette was
able to perhaps find a time to exercise during his day, and debrief
himself on his way home from work, his attitude and demeanor once home
might be more relaxed and loving, which would be beneficial for both
Tom and Bill alike.
5. Use this summer as an opportunity to spend time and give plenty of
attention to your children while the stresses of school are off the
table. Your kids will be a bit bored this summer with the loss of
structure, so consider filling some of it with you!
Dr. Keith Kanner
Host
Your Family Matters Show
Fox6 News - San Diego
San Diego Living Show
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Watch Dr. Kanner discuss this topic on Monday, June 2nd @ 8:15a.m. on Fox 6 News In The Morning.
With the recent arrest of 14
year old Heather D'Aoust for the alleged murder of her adopted mother
over the Memorial Day weekend, many parents are understandably looking
at their own children with their eyes wide open in hopes of
determining whether or not their demeanor and behaviors constitute
what would be considered "normal" or "deviant" for their age group.
This is due to the fact that most children who "act out", have a
history of psychological struggles and parents have been told that they
"should" be able to know their child "well-enough" to judge whether
they in good or bad shape. Subsequently, parents then feel guilty if
they do not pick up on various cues and respond before a crisis
occurs. Such issues came to a head when the D'Aoust case broke for the
initial reporting was that she seemed to be a "typical" teenager and in
fact her mother was a school counselor. Many concerned parents then
asked "how can something like this just happen.....do kids just
sometimes snap?". To the relief of many, as well as understandable
empathy and sympathy for the D'Aoust family, Heather's defense attorney
introduced to the court that she was indeed suffering from some
undisclosed psychological problems and hopes that the court system will
take such into consideration as her case continues in court.
Everyone knows that parenting is indeed the most important but toughest
job in the world. As any parent comes to realize, one cannot climb
inside of their child's mind and know what is actually going on. In
fact,this becomes especially so in the tween and teenage years as most
tweens and teenagers do not know either as they are in constant states
of flux and conflict which helps to explain why adolescence is such a
complicated and confusing stage of normal development. To make matters
even more complex, most tweens and teens do not openly talk to their
parents as they are normally trying to individuate and attempt to stand
up on their two feet and avoid feeling dependent upon their parents.
Here is when their friends become the "new" allies in the process of
growth and development which can be very helpful but also at times
dangerous.
So how can parents determine as to whether their child is sailing
through the tween and teen years well enough to avoid developing
psychological problems which would seriously effect their development
and well-being especially when they own child is neither disclosing
themselves in words and also feeling typically flooded with feelings
and challenges? Fortunately, although the teen may communicate
themselves in words to their parents, their behavior and attitude
provide windows into their minds which can then help the attuned parent
evaluate whether or not they have a child in distress. In other words,
both the tweens and teens are not able to contain all of their
struggles in their minds and watching them on a day to day basis most
often is enough for parents to be on alert if a significant problem
were to manifest.
On the other hand however, parents also need to know what would be
considered "normal" behavior for a teenager which is ironic for many
people struggle normalizing much of what the typical adolescent
portrays given they are making such assessments based on being mature
adults. From a "normal" point of view however, given the normal
internal and external conflicts and pressures that the tweens and teens
entertain on a daily basis, the following are typical and expected from
ages 12 through 17:
Normal Teen Behavior:
1. moodiness
2. inconsistent self-esteem
3. distancing from parents
4. strong peer alliances
5. experimentation
6. increased aggression and sexuality
7. inconsistent judgment
8. tiredness
9. idealistic differences from parents
10. concerns for the future
On the other hand, dangerous games, failing grades, drug and alcohol abuse, habitual rebellious behavior, depression,
and in the worst case, teenage suicide, are all examples of “warning
signs” that a “tween” or adolescent are in trouble, and that their
behavior is not normal as compared to what is considered expected for a
teenager. The old adage that “kids will be kids” can be a dangerous
assumption if one does not fully understand what is considered “normal”
versus abnormal behavior when considering a middle or high school-aged
boy or girl. As psychologists, psychiatrists, and psychoanalysts, we
speak of the typical processes of separation and individuation as
children and adolescents alike consciously and unconsciously attempt to
separate themselves and be psychologically independent from their
adult counterparts by acting and doing things differently in efforts to
feel less dependent and more grown up, but the degree and extent to
which course might take must consider individual differences based on
both the personality and particular conflicts each child and adolescent
endures.
Another important consideration is that by definition, adolescents
tend to feel normally invincible and their judgment tends to be
commonly inconsistent based on the influences of strong feelings of
aggression and sexuality which puts great stress on their
consciousnesses. Coupled with peer influences, pressure to do well in
school, and a more or less self-centered view of the world based on
their general sense of vulnerability, decisions are often half thought
through and mistakes happen from time to time. When this happens, most
“good” parents set limits and the behaviors calm down, until the next
periodic time of “not thinking” occurs. However, occasional poor
judgment is far different than consistent investments in
self-compromising behaviors which tend to place this group of children
into frequent states of peril. When this happens, we see these choices
as symptoms of something much larger inside of the adolescent causing
disturbance and subsequent maladaptive behaviors.
Exactly what is going on inside of these particular children needs
more investigation to determine for example as whether or not they are
depressed, going through a rough developmental period, or withstanding
an even more debilitating personality disturbance. However, it takes
an invested parent who is observing their child on a daily basis and
who has some sense of what is considered normal or not, to make the
determination as to whether or not their child needs help.
In most cases, when parents find that their child is going down a
less than optimal pathway, they intervene and talk with their child and
then if there is a lack of change, they get them some help. This is
why most adolescents are not either depressed or failing out of high
school. Parents however, need to constantly be on alert as to how
their child is managing his or her lives during these critical years.
We all know that most adolescents do not talk openly to their parents
for those same reasons of wanting to be “on their own”, but their
behaviors usually speak loud and clear as to how they are really
feeling about life and themselves. Very few children who are really
suffering have a lack of presently symptoms that can be identified by
anyone outside of the boy or girl who has the knowledge of normality
versus abnormality and pay attention to their children. Symptoms are
basically anything that is evidence of something self-compromising to a
child or adolescent, but the top most common ones are as follows:
Abnormal Teen Behavior:
1. failing grades in school
2. habitual risk-taking behaviors
3. daily negative self-statements
4. a absence of friendships
5. evidence of self-injurious activities (i.e. cutting)
6. poor hygiene after age 12
7. school behavior problems
8. trouble with the law
9. consistent oppositional attitude towards all adults
10. evidence of drug and alcohol paraphernalia
Limits placed on these issues by parents help children in
elevating their self-esteem and subsequently helps them better manage
their feelings which at this stage feel out of their control. When a
parent helps, these noted symptoms often subside, and the risk of their
actions intensifying lessen. However if a parent fails to identify
such problems and fail to get them some help if their best efforts fall
short, their child will continue to suffer and their problems may
intensify leading to some sort of crisis which can then hurt the
entire family.
Resources can be obtained by contacting your child’s primary care
physician, calling your insurance company and asking for a list of
approved professionals, or by viewing my list of specialists in child
and adolescent psychology and psychiatry through my blog here on
Fox6.com.
Dr. Keith Kanner
Host
Your Family Matters Show
Fox6 News – San Diego
San Diego Living Show
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Watch Dr. Kanner discuss this topic this Monday, Memorial Day, @ 8:15a.m. on Fox6 News In The Morning.Setting limits with one's child is one of the basic responsibilities of
any parent, but also one of the most conflictual and difficult
experiences. This is due to the fact that having to say no to a child
inflicts discomfort and sometimes even pain which goes against another
basic parental responsibility which is to comfort and soothe a child
through difficult experiences. Such internal conflicts for any parent
commonly creates anxiety and at times decisions which may or may not be
in the best interests of the child. Most invested parents are in love
with their children and feel guilty when they have to frustrate them or
not provide gratification which is assumed to bring joy and happiness
to the child. However, this is not always the case for a child's
desire for something does not necessarily indicate a healthy choice
which the child cannot determine based on their immaturity. Here, the
parent is placed in the position of determining what is healthy versus
not which often times is not agreed upon by the child who then protests
the parental trump card. Here, the child then expresses their dismay
through anger or sadness which makes the parent feel uncomfortable that
they have "hurt" or "frustrated" their own child. For some parents,
this experience is so upsetting that they may give in and allow their
child to engage in activities which may not be good for them to avoid
witnessing the child's plight. Initially then, the parent avoids
feeling guilty for upsetting their child, but if the decision then led
to an unfortunate event, the avoided feeling of guilt hits like a ton
of bricks. When 14 year old Samantha convinced her parents that she
could manage a co-ed pool party at their house on a Friday night
without any parental supervision, her alligator tears made both of her
parents go against their joint intuition that this was not a good idea,
and sure enough the party got out of hand and their neighbors ended up
calling the police who found empty bottles of vodka all around the pool
area and some very intoxicated teenagers. Samantha's parents felt
awful. On the one hand they wanted to please their daughter and
intrust her to be with her friends, but on the other hand, both parents
intellectually knew that it was not fair to place their young daughter
in the role of policing her friends at a party.
Another obstacle that prevents parents from having to say "no" is
wanting to be "liked" and not ignored by their child. Once children
emerge from early childhood, most parents feel somewhat abandoned by
their children as they strive towards independence and replace the
parents with friends. This bewildering experience is painful for any
parent for in the earlier years, their children could not get enough of
them, and in these later years, the parents end of taking a number to
spend some quality time with their children. Here, unconsciously, many
parents will try to act "cool" in hopes that their children will spend
more time with them, be nicer to them, or even talk to them, with the
potential compromise however, that the parent is not looking out for
possible hazards by not setting some limits, or saying no. This was
the case for 14 year old Sam who's father allowed him to occasionally
drink a beer or two with him on the weekends thinking that this
experience would bring them closer and also take away Sam's curiosity
to "experiment" at parties with alcohol. but this effort backfired as
Sam became the "experienced" drinker of his friends and his use of
alcohol ended up increasing during high school which ended up hurting
both his health and his grades.
It is always easier to gratify one's child then frustrate them,
but both advents are equally important. Saying no or frustrating one's
child serves two purposes - protection from potential negative events
or influences and second, it teaches children how to better tolerate
frustration which is a vital life lesson which then becomes generalized
to the outside world. Clearly, the hardest part of saying no to a
child is how it makes a parent feel, but when parents understand that
saying no or setting limits is another means of protection and love for
their child, this should help to lessen their feelings of guilt and
discomfort for causing some temporary sadness. In fact, when parents
do say no when need be, the common result after perhaps a temper
tantrum or two, is a calming in the child and a sense of respect for
the parent. Ask any college sophomore about the importance of their
parents being watchful and parental during their teenage years and they
will tell you that you were "right" and may even thank you for not
giving into their every request.
Key Points:
1. Parents often fear setting limits with their kids because they want to be liked
2. Saying no often makes the parent feel guilty for causing sadness and pain in their child.
3. Appropriate limits however are as important as gratifying a child for their development and safety.
4. Once out of Adolescence, they will thank you for being parental and watchful.
Dr. Keith Kanner
Host
Your Family Matters Show
Fox6 News
San Diego Living Show
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Be sure to watch Dr. Kanner discuss this topic live this Monday, May 19th @ 8:15a.m. on Fox6 News In The Morning.
Every parent has the same
experience – becoming bombarded with a plethora of questions from their
children arising shortly after they learn to talk and increasing during
the childhood years and then tapering down during adolescence. Within
each of these interactions are also concerns about what is the “right”
or “wrong” thing to say based on both the message that the parent
wishes to convey matched with a concern about how their child will
digest the information.
To complicate this further is that the very same question that a 4 year
old asks their parent has very different meaning than the same question
asked by a 10 year old and the response from the parent needs to take
into consideration these developmental differences. Although children
have an inborn drive to learn about his or her world, their young minds
are only able to digest and utilize information that they are able to
comprehend art any particular age. We called this “functional
development”. For example, if a child is given “too much information,
or too much graphic information”” at a too young of age, the well
intended information may actually cause more harm than good. On the
other hand too little information, or a complete avoidance of the
topic, may leave the child feeling “bad” about what they asked or lead
them to continue to seek the information which may result in them
getting feedback that the parent may or may not feel comfortable with.
The key point here is that when children ask questions, they need
answers as they attempt to understand their minds and the world around
them. The role of the parent is to supply them with enough adequate
information, but not to either overwhelm them with detail which is
beyond their developmental level, or not give them enough information
to satisfy their curiosity.
But, how do parents know what is too much or just enough, based on the
developmental level of their child? Most parents do not have degrees
in child development and there is no cookbook about right versus wrong
answers. Part of the answer is common sense and the other is trying to
learn more about what children at different ages are able to
comprehend. Many times, parents also learn from trial and error.
Here, they may answer a particular question and the result then makes
the child more anxious. Typically, this type of experience then helps
the parent learn that their well-intended answer may have been too much
for their child and the next time they are more careful. On the other
hand, if the answer is not sufficient enough for the child, he or she
will continue to repeat him or herself until the parent meets their
need.
Most parents want to be honest and give adequate information and this
is a good rule of thumb. What is considered adequate however has to be
adjusted to the age and developmental level of the child however. As
mentioned earlier, too much, or too graphic, is too much. Therefore,
answers need to be clear and informative but not beyond what your child
can understand at his or her age. For example, when a 5 year old asks
their mom or dad “where babies come from”, which is a frequent and
important question (they are asking about themselves), giving them
information about sex and body parts would be potentially overwhelming
for them and could cause anxiety and even impulsivity. This is because
this type of reasoning is beyond what they are able to comprehend and
when children are exposed to information too advanced for them,
symptoms can develop – we see the same types of manifestations when
children are exposed to television too graphic for them to understand.
Instead, teaching them about how later in life when mothers and fathers
love each other they have children to celebrate their love for one
another, is often enough for the inquisitive 5 year old to feel
satisfied with their question. In fact, you, this type of answer even
makes them feel special at the same time! The same question however
posed by a pre-adolescent would warrant a different response based on
the pre-teen understanding more about bodies and sexual differences
between the sexes. Here, parents can begin to talk to their children
about their bodies, lay some ground work about sexuality, and talk
about the ideas of love, caring, and maturity. For discussions about
sexuality and bodies with the pre-teens (10 and higher) and
adolescents, I do always suggest that the parent of the same sex be the
one to chair the meeting to lessen potential anxiety for the child.
There are also a variety of books written for the pre-teens and
teenagers about sexuality which can be very helpful for the inquisitive
child. However, once again, parents need to be careful to both not
give too much or too little information at this age as well. Reading
over such a book before handing it over to your child is another good
idea. In this regard, talking too much about “sex” can be too much
for them, but if too little information is disclosed will lead to
discomfort and potential frustration. Again, sensible, matter of
fact, and “just enough” to satisfy the question is the best method.
Children are wonderful at telling us if they are not satisfied – they
will just keep asking if we do not give them what “they need”. When we
do however, they move on until the next question emerges.
Key Points:
1. do not avoid answering your child’s questions
2. answer questions with consideration of their age and developmental level
3. do not give them “too much” information, but just enough to satisfy them
4. refer to third party materials to help you teach them if necessary
5. the same question will arise again at later dates allowing for more information
Dr. Keith Kanner
Host
Your Family Matters Show
Fox6 News
San Diego Living Show
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Be sure to watch Dr. Kanner discuss this topic on Monday, May 12th @ 8:15am on Fox 6 News In The Morning. Also, share this Blog with your graduating Senior - it will make for a good discussion.
Graduating & Leaving Home: Tips for Students & Their Parents:
I. Introduction:
Graduating from high school involves much more than just
finishing a grueling four years of hard work preparing for a movement
to college.
On graduation day, all high school seniors will not only r | |